What's Up, Doc?

Ei! so it's been a long long while...haha. So what's up with me?

Well, aside from having seem to have lost myself in the chaotic world of work, family, and lovelife, nothing much. I underwent self-rehab of my meebo (chatting) addiction and managed to replace it with handmade soap addiction...hahaha.

In my quest to find the perfect organic soap for wedding favors (hint hint hint of things to come...) I managed to find three providers and now, my rooms smell so heavenly...peppermint, cranberry, lavander, mint, strawberry...I ordered an additional batch of mango butter. I'll be giving these soaps as christmas presents...and I'm finding it hard since I want to keep several flavors...er..scents to myself.

In addition, I've also began preparing for...hold your breath and close your mouth...an upcoming wedding. Hehe, of course, mine and Jam's. It's crazy, I know, rushing from single blissfulness to it's-complicated to in-a-relationship and finally to marital unknown, but Jam and I have decided to stick it out with each other, for better or worse, in sickness (mine is mental, his is physical) and in health, til heavens take us apart. Of course, there are times when I want to throw a tantrum and be single again, especially when some old meeboers would call for an EB, and I want to go but cannot...there are times when I want to go for a movie (read: Bea and John Lloyd's One More Chance) and he'd rather sleep the whole day off...

Being in "in-a-relationship" has changed me quite a lot. Quite frankly, I've mellowed down a bit, maybe because in some ways, he's my exact opposite and I can see the world in his perspective. I've begun to understand a lot about things I never minded before. I'm more relaxed now (though still giving in to nagging episodes and OC tendencies). Some people noted I've become less quarrelsome and intimidating...though still pretty (yun yun eh!)

Anyhows, my days are crammed with searching for quaint churches, worrying about birth certifucates, bridal and entourage outfit costs, reception venues and caterers.

Oh, yes, instead of a September 2008 wedding which we originally planned, we'll be going for a March 2008 date at the altar...a bit rushed, yes, but I've always thrived on cramped calendars.

So wish us luck!

Down and Out Ramblings

I would have thought we'd get the hang of it by now...we'd be pretty smooth-sailing. We'd be familiar with each other's eccentricities and quirks, learn how to cope...forgive and forget.

I'd forgotten men and women's brains operate on different frequencies...

And after enduring yet another "cold shoulder treatment" I closed my eyes and thought..is it going to be this way always?

I need him this time...where is he?

I am feeling ill, down and in need of a hug...where is he?

I was counting on his promises...
I was looking forward to the weekend...
I gave up my schedule to be with him...

Now I sit alone at home. Spent the whole morning nursing an aching head. Endured the prodding of nosy but well-meaning parents. Tried to forget the presence of my cell-phone.

Though we've cleared matters up a bit, I still feel compelled to distance myself from him and let him know how badly he has hurt my feelings, and how badly I want him to suffer for it now. I want to go back my usual way, as well...I've given up a lot of things for the sake of this "relationship" and I miss those things...chatting with faceless people (male or female, without malice or intent), meebo friends meet-up (male and female, without malice or intent again), window shopping at SM before going home...overnight gimik with friends...

I once thought I can still be me, even when with someone else...but a lot of compromises had to be made, and they weren't easy on someone with a complex personality and social life as me...

I wish I could keep things as simple as they used to be...I wish I could make him see that I am not someone he can leave behind and pick up whenever he feels up to it...That, I too, have my moments of desolation, confusion, pain, misery and grouchiness, and I need his comfort, too. That when he throws a tantrum, sometimes, I just get so full of it, I'd decide to match him mood for mood...and it's nothing personal. It's just the way I am.

Realizations

So we're slowly trudging forward..one foot at a time, trying to reach a destination we have no idea how far. Some days are hard, some...miraculously spent uneventful. We're happy just being together, at home eating banana cue and turon or oatmeal and bread, or sitting beside each other comfortably. Three days in a week are all we've got, and it's never enough.

We plan for the future..a wedding, a family. I share his pain when it attacks. I feel his desperation when he loses hope. I try to rub off on him my faith and my new-found patience. I am more like a mother and a bestfriend than his girlfriend, and it is okay. For someone younger than I am, he has seen and experienced more of the world than I ever would...than I even would like to see. We are so alike, and yet our pasts bear not much resemblance to each other.

It isn't all sunny or happy ever afters. Sometimes, I still do get that fear that we'd wake up and discover it's just a phase in life we all go through. Friends say don't rush, take your time, be sure. But nothing is ever sure, even if you've been in a relationship for a year or two or three or a decade. My own parents had a whirlwind romance - they met in March, got engaged in July and was wed in October.

I'm not rushing because of my age...but because I know where we're headed. It won't be such an easy sailing, but a rough ride. But hey....that's what makes life worth living.

What is love?

What is love?

Fr. Tootsie, during one of his talks on Christology, said that if it doesn't hurt, then it is not love.
I've always known this.

My German friend, Hinrich, however, once told me I'm too dramatic, and that love doesn't necessarily have to be painful. That if it is painful, then maybe it is a sign that one has to give up and look for a less emotionally challenging partner.

This sometimes bothers me.

I once told my friend Jed, after discussing and analyzing why Korean movies and telenovelas are so melodramatic (any of the following factors: sickness leading to death, amnesia, blindness, illicit affairs) that I'd rather experience all the pain if it would mean experiencing the love as well, rather than be safe and sound in my cozy pain-free world.

And guess what? Seems I got my wish.

It would have been easier if all we had to worry was money. Social and economic status were never of any importance to me. Besides, I know him well enough to believe he'll strive to be something more...Fate has simply given me more.

For others who had simplier, uncomplicated lives, love is easier to hold on to. Easier to define. Easier to say. For us who constanlty have to face adversities, love is both a gift and a reward. Everyday is a question of commitment and faith. Every moment is treasured. Every opportunites grabbed and made the most of.

I am thankful that, at least, all sides are supportive. My parents, sisters and the entire clan understand our situation. They do not hold it against him that I am more "priveledged" than he is. Even the community, who has kept a watchful eye on my lovelife, seems pretty pleased about my choice.

But the heavens are not as supportive. Yesterday, I had to watch him writhing in pain, glassy-eyed and worried. My family had to rush him to the hospital as pain relievers failed to work on him. I had to hold his hand as he was given medicines intravenously. I had look the other way as he heaved his breakfast onto a hospital container. I had to turn my back when I cried so he wouldn't see.

Sometimes, I'd storm heavens with my prayers. Why? Can't they lay off him, give him a chance. A clean slate? Isn't it enough that he had to suffer so much already? My prayers aren't for myself anymore, but for him. I've been given more than enough, and I am thankful. But Lord, if you're giving him to me, then give us the grace to work it out. Go easy on us...we deserve a chance...

Yesterday shook me up pretty bad. Amidst it all, we renewed our promise to stick together. It tested my patience and my capacity to bear his burden while working on my fears. I had my moments of doubts but I lifted them up to the Lord. I am well surprised that for someone like me, who cannot define what love is really supposed to be, and who had doubted it's existence, I have remained steadfast in my commitment.

People used to tell me that maybe I should take the cue and run as fast as I can. There are more than one fish in the ocean and I have my life ahead of me. There are no shortages of men where I am concerned, and it's not as if the single life is a bad option either. But I realized that pain would only make us stronger, that if at the first sign of trouble, I'd pack up and leave, then I'll be forever wandering. Gifts are not usually wrapped in gay paper. Treasures are often always found after a dangerous adventure, and diamonds need to be properly cut before they gain their worth.

Yes, there is love's splendor for those who have had an easier path to thread than we. But there is also joy in loving despite the pain. There is joy in knowing love means more than being together and holding hands in public. More than watching movies and stealing kisses when nobody's looking. It's more than the chemistry, the kilig, when you talk about him to your friends. I may not be able to really define love, but I know, am confident, that love is what I am feeling even when I just think of him.

Adik chatters eb #3

Gateway. 4 August 2007

In no particular order ha...hehehe.

Bentot and Soul


Me and Wanna



Loveteam Winner! Soul and Alcubes


Group Pic: Soul, Alcubes, Data, Me, Wanna & Bentot

Not in the picture: Dre and Kuya Popoy

Hanging Tough

It's been quite a while since my last post...I've often acknowledged that happiness makes me tongue-tied. ^^

We're doing well...just very recently barely made it past another break-up. What's so funny is we don't even fight, but we have break-ups.

He's met most of my family, has been paraded before the Tabamo clan, my officemates and choirmates. The Community is in the know (they really are fanatics of my uneventful love life, and keeps watchful eyes of the men I mingle with during prayer meetings).

All's not sunshine and butterflies, however. We are still struggling with his health worries, his job opportunities (he resigned due to health reasons), and stuff. Sometimes, these get to him and he wants out.

I sometimes wish I am free, that my time and decisions belong to me and me alone. Sometimes I wish I could still date and flirt. Sometimes, these get to me and I would want out.

But I've decidied to hang on. And not hold myself back from loving him.

Update

Everything's coming into place...but why do I feel like it's all moving too fast, too soon?But if we go any slower, we'd be on a stand still.

Okay. So in fairness, he's around...at least for now. He'll be assigned in Subic for the next four months..or more. Hahaha. We're still confused. Nothing's changed about that. We're still using "ewan", "bahala na", "di ko alam" more than ever. And some people are now on the know...like my parents and his "foster parents".

The boat is sinking

Arggg! I am near suffering a serious emotional breakdown, just having to think about whatever's happening to him.

First off, he's on his way to his home province, after visiting a relative somewhere in Mindanao. It ticked me off, that he could so easily put me on hold. Then today, he asks me to call him, it's an emergency. His ferry stopped in the middle of nowhere enroute to sonewhere far away...What am I suppose to do? What did he expect me to do?

I'm beginning to wonder about all of this...is he playing me for a fool? Playing on my weakness? He knows I can't turn my back on anybody...

Hay. I'm tired. I want to go to bed and wake up and not remember this day.

Live…at Channel 4

July 3. It’s my first time to join the BS Singers for the anniversary ceremony since, usually, the EISG people would be at the lobby busily scrambling about and around the MPSS kiosk. In fairness, everything went smoothly and I had no major contribution save for a PowerPoint presentation assigned to me.

July 4. Live on Channel 4. Sang the Pambansang Awit and an intermission number “Umiikot, Sumisirko” (by Ryan Cayabyan, under the tutelage of our musical director, Dr. Raul Navarro). First time. And of course, I just have to inform my parents and several friends about it. My mom was able to see it. XBF? Am not sure if he even received my message. Not even a word about it from him.

July 7. Eone’s first birthday party at Bounz. I had grand visions of bringing the “One” to the event, if he’ll ever ever make it. But of course, as Fate would have it, he did not make it. And I am tired of getting excited about his homecoming. Now, it seems I don’t even want to bother anymore. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to prepare myself. What for? He might not even want to see me and talk to me anymore. I have erased all expectations, right?

Seriously, tomorrow is the “day of reckoning”. Judgment day. Make or Break. And for now, it’s really a break. Thinking of all the opportunities that I gave him that he let pass…I can’t imagine going through more of those. I just want him to be attentive…never mind if he can’t be always present. I’ve decided that I do deserve someone better, and maybe, if he wants it as badly as I do, he’d see that, too.

Meebo...Friends of Friendster

It’s been a while since my last blog update. In between work, my crazy lovelife and meebo chatting, I’ve little time for anything else. Hahahaha.

What’s with work: The anniversary is on Tuesday, so as usual, the whole group is busy with PowerPoints, brochures, scale models, kiosks, drilling and measuring. I wish I could help out with the physical aspect, but Kuya won’t let anyone within a foot of his precious handwork. Haha. He’s really good at it, actually. I’ll post the pictures later.

Lovelife. The question is always “Are we in our out?”. The funny thing is, while I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions here, he’s been constantly just … okay. If you ask him, we never had problems. We never had a cool off, a break-up and such. Lately, he’s been back on track, communicative and accessible. I really wonder how a man’s mind works.

Meebo Chatting? What’s meebo. Eversince YM was banned from the office, and I’ve learned of meebo (thanks to Leah of TEC), I’ve been hooked. Once, to keep myself from texting H*m, I decided to check out what the new chatrooms are all about. I got curious with the My Boyfriend is a Jerk room, actually. Met a few people inside and went back for more. Then I decided to check Friends of Friendster, and hola! The chatter in me was born.

Overtime, I got to know a lot of people, and two weeks into chatting, we had an EB! I met with Alcubes, Kuyapopoy, Chie, Peppermint, Nelspawn and Azerah at Glorietta. I was anxious, even with my previous F4 EB experience since these people are strangers, and they are not F4 fans. Hahaha.

Anyway, here are the pics...

That's KuyaPopoy, Alcubes and Nelspawn

Me and Alcubes

...Azerah(?), Peppermint, Jing (?), Me, Alcubes and Nelspawn

Another group picture.. I can't remember the name of the other girl, since she is not a meebo chatter. Lol

Galing sa friendster ko...

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to fix things up, of finding a reason to hold on, of making up excuses to forgive you.

And you seem so clueless to the turmoil there is. So distant and uncaring. I cannot believe your life is so devoid of color that you'd forget i exist. I can't believe that you're too busy to send even just one text. Has everything gone upside down in your world? Where does it leave me now? Outside the circle?

And I hate it. So I've decided to let it go. I've decided to just close my eyes and empty my mind of you, anything that has got to do with you. You've hurt me enough.

I'm tired of reassuring you. I wanted to tell you I will not leave you, even if I'd find more worthy guys...I wanted to tell you're not blocking me from reaching my dreams. I wanted to assure you I will stay. I wanted to tell you we'd overcome our fears together.

But where are you? You won't fight for me. You're just there. Wallowing in your miseries. Living in your silence. I don't even know you anymore. Gone is the man who told me we'd elope if things don't fall into place. Gone is the man who needed just a three-minute call to me before he could sleep. Gone is the man who promised to make me happy. Gone is the man who made me laugh. Gone is the man I chose to care for.

And I miss that man. That person. I loved that man.

I don't care if you read this. I know you won't...not while it's not yet too late. You simply don't care.

Guess what I heard from the radio??

Heart, Don't Change My Mind
(Diane Warren/Robbie Buchanan)

We said we'd try again
But trying's not enough
Acting like strangers
Ain't no way of making love
It's never gonna work
It's time we stop pretending
It's time to turn the page
All stories need an ending

It makes no sense to stay
Livin' my life in yesterday
I'm leaving, I'm leaving
And I'm begging you

Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart be strong this time and try
To help me tell him goodbye
It'll only bring pain for us to stay
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go

Don't let me think about
How good it was before
I know you'd try anything
To keep me from that door
It's hard to leave him
When you've loved him for so long now
How can I walk away
If you're still holding on now?
I've finally found the strength
Look at me, I can finally say
It's over, it's over
So, I'm begging you

Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart be strong this time and try
To help me tell him goodbye
It'll only bring pain for us to stay
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go

It makes no sense to stay
Sad that it has to end this way
It's over, it's over

Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart be strong this time and try
To help me tell him goodbye
It'll only bring pain for us to stay
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go
Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go
Let me, let him go

Not But

Sometimes it's

Not setting free but pushing away
Not Selflessness but insecurity
Not a promise but an attempt
Not love but need

And if we could just be honest with ourselves and with each other, we'd know what to do. It's been long in the making now, and maybe it's time to finally pick the card. We both know what it is. It's the only option there is. It's called goodbye.

What happened last night?

I dont want to talk about it anymore. I slept badly, angry at you and thumping my head for being such a fool; and I woke up remembering the anger still, which followed me in my dream. Even if you said it out of love, or tenderness, or selflessness, whatever its purpose was, you still cut me. So maybe instead of asking you why, I should have just said Hurrah and introduced you to your fears.

Status Quo

The fault, too, is mine, I admit.
I read too much on the silence.
But only because its author was unknown to me.

So he still is mine...or was he ever mine?
His thoughts are his alone
As his heart

Still nothing has to change
My decision stands
We are both free

Short

Save me from my self
Remove my misery
Dry away my tears
Erase my memory

-------------

He's gone. Just like that. Snap. And that's it.

Knock some sense into me

Hay naku. On Off. On Off.
If this was a light bulb, it would be burnt out by now.
I said I was moving on..and I would have except lately he's been calling...
But I just found out I'm not satisfied with his paltry efforts...we're running on his schedule, depending on his current state of well-being, depending on his emotions...
I'm tired of moving on and having to drag him as I do.

So now, I'm crossing my fingers and saying my prayers. God, give me the grace to move on and find peace for myself. So I can clear my heart. So it would be worthy enough to give to the one who really, truly loves me. So I won't feel guilty that I am still playing games with MAD and MSG. So I won't have to feel bad because he's always not around.

Just...I just want him to be honest. Give me at least that.

Bohol...(Belated Post)

May 17 - 20, 2007 with Tina, Ces, Lanie, Weng, Jing and Lanie's two kids, Zoie and Zach.
First day (PM na) - picture taking, beach side...
Second day (Whole day) - Country-side tour. Loboc Church, Blood Compact site, Chocolate Hills, Man Made Forest
Third day (Half day) - Dolphin watching and snorkeling at Balicasag Island
Fourt day (Half day) - Sun catching..desperately grabbing some more tan.

Question

Could it be he's read this blog??
Uh-oh.

The title should be..

THE RETURN OF THE COMEBACK.

Hahaha.

Uh-oh. Did I mention to him that I watched Ocean's 13? I don't think I did, but he mentioned a while ago that, like me, he's seen the movie,too. Uh Oh. Big time

WHEN THE CAT IS AWAY...

....he's not really on vacation, just spying around.

....the mouse is still hang-up and paranoid.

....where's the fun in that?

....nothing gets done.

....the mouse is bored.

....it's still all play for the mouse

....there are other cats.

Change of topic...

Last night, I dreamed of three distinct elements.

My friend Doc Weng, who's leaving for the USA tomorrow; Fire (which is my great paranoia), and a text message "basta text mo lang ako, kahit di ako magreply, alam mong masaya ako dun.

I've always been wary of MY dreams..Hmm. The Weng element is understandable. We're saying another goodbye (good for one year only, so she'd better hurry up and get back). The rest...hmmm. Food for thought.

La Lang. Last Song Syndrome...

SAISON ELLA MAE lyrics

Toothache Night

Boy#1: Mamaya kaya at 11:49pm..hehe. Advance happy monthsary...bka kasi wala na me load mamaya..heheh...mwaahhh! tc

Boy#2: Ipasa mo sa akin yang sakit mo. Naawa ako say. Magingat ka kasi. Lav u.

Boy#3: Hay naku, mag-asawa kana kasi. Hehe.

Boy#4: Missed call.

Ocean's Thirteen

Thanks to Mai, finally got to see the inside of a cinema again! My last film was The Prestige, starring my ex hubby, gorgeous Wolverine...er, Hugh Jackman, last November.

My mom asked me, as I lay fighting off consciousness, "Was is drama? Suspense? Action? Comedy?"

Drama? Harharhar. Suspense? Doubtful. Action? Well, ... Comedy? Slight. It's not horror, it's not Sci Fi either.

But I did enjoy the movie. Gave me some time-out from all that toxic thinking.

Badddd!

When I'm good, I'm too good.
When I'm bad, I'm definitely mean.

Four people have asked me if "He" is it...four times I said "NO".

I do know where to stick the knife to get maximum "ouch" effect. So I let him think that his worst fears about me are coming true. I don't like to hurt him, but I won't try to pacify him anymore. He's not a small kid, and if he needs a mother, it's not me.

I'm moving on.

OW! ANCHAKIT! (It Hurts!)

Back to the gym! Cardio-boxing. Endurance training. Weights. Abs. A little badminton.

Now I can't even pull up my pants without wincing. Combing my hair requires tremendous concentration so as to grip firmly a comb. Laughing is no joke.

Going Nowhere

As quickly as it started, we ended.

What happened?

A 180 degree turn from the person I used to know. Someone shot down the bird on the wire, and communication trickled like rain in the desert.

What happened?

The problems are the same...yes, maybe more. Were they so enormous it overshadowed everything, even a three-minute call?

Where do we go from here?

Honestly, nowhere.

But even closure is not within reach. Everything's hanging. And I don't know until when.

What I do know is that I'm moving on despite the rope. Maybe it wasn't even tied to begin with...

From Sweet Nothings to...Nothing

(Monday) At the third week, on the weeksary itself, the storm finally hit and I found myself in it's eye. Calm and yet deceptive, destructive. I needed to walk away before it destroys me.

(Today) After a day of solitude, and some miniscule crumb of pride swallowed, I was rewarded with liberation. Yes! My emotional ties were cut, suddenly, the way it always is when prayers are answered.

I don't have to worry about him anymore. I gave that back to God.

no matter how much we love and care for a person, if we are uncertain of our position, there will be a point when the only thing certain is to give up...(Anonymous)

I wanted a sweet, thoughtful guy. Someone who'd bombard my message inbox with senseless ILUs and sweet nothings. Yes, I am a hopeless, story-book romantic. My eyes do get heart-shaped instead of round. And I do feel the flutter in my stomach when I think of my guy.

But I didn't get my wish. No siree. Not an ounce of sweetness. Long-distance relationships have only the cellphone as salvation. But not a peep from him for one and a half day until his problems mounted up and he needed to talk to me. I got sick but wanted to stay up so we could finally talk, and all he had to say was "i'm going to sleep". Hell. I almost deleted his name from my contact list.

On the other hand, the guys I've turned down continued to bombared me with ILUs, even if I had told them I am already semi-committed.

So now, yes, I'm having second thoughts. And third and fourth and a hundred petty reasons why I should just up and leave him. But I'm holding my ground, stupid me. I'm waiting for a sign, like I did before...perhaps then, I'd see some glimmer of hope.

25-May 2007 07:00

palitan na natin yun . . . in a relationship na . . game?

Those three words...

Why can't we say it, let each other know?
Does it really exist?
Do we really NOT know what it is?

Why do we have to hide inside our shell of insecurities?
Our self doubts and past hurts?
Why can't we free ourselves of our pride?

I am just a reflection of you, and you me.
Both of us waiting only for the other to take the first move...

From the Song...

I Don't Know How to Love Him...

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so.

Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love - let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this - what's it all about?

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away,
I wouldn't want to know -
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

----

Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Lyrics: Tim Rice.
Show: "Jesus Christ superstar" (concept album 1970, first performed 1971).

** The BS Singers has been practicing this piece for days now, and the last time, I got mysty eyed. True, it sounds weird to be singing this, given the background of the song, but I could just totally relate.

Though of course, I won't get to the last three lines. I'm still unsure.

To be or not to be

that is the question.

sometimes i feel, yes, it's getting better

but still, the nagging question...

am i ready for this

The windmills of his mind are spinning like crazy, and I am afraid I'm getting far behind. Already he has plans for a future I have not even dared to think of...

He keeps on doubting me, because I can't reassure him yet if he's my final answer. He keeps on reminding me of the other men who surrounds me...what men? Can't I, at least, keep a few as friends?

Yet, I know if I lose him now, I will be sad.

Problematic

On hold for now
Fate has dealt us a bad hand.
I want to try to make it work, but obviously, he needs to fix his life first.
He needs to clean up his act.

And I need to know what it is I am afraid of.
We all have our demons to face, I told him that, before he spilled his guts out to me.
And this is my demon, my personal battle.
I can't forever be waiting for a chance to escape...

Relationships shouldn't be a prison, but a haven.
But everyday, I feel so chained instead of cherished.
And everyday I keep asking if this is what I want,
And what he needs.

So now, it's back to square 1, minus a thousand steps.
Regrets are too late, but I keep wishing this whole drama never happened at all.

Happy?

Everyday I ask

"Are you happy?"

And I keep expecting you'd say yes
Even if the day looks bleak and grey

Now I ask

"Am I happy?"

And though I want to say yes
I know it's not true, not at all

Daysary...

Sure as hell never thought it would be as complicated as this.

For starters, I have no idea how it feels to be in love, or to love a person...other than my family, friends and myself, of course. Is there suppose to be some kilig? Well, I'm missing out on that part...are you there, Lady Love???

Nothing much has changed, still the same conversation, the same people that we are before we entered this "Trial and Error" thing.

We almost got into an argument last night...well into the 23rd hour of our first day. Haha. He said he'd better sleep just so we could finish the whole 24 hours, at least...At least I learned he gets jealous...and he's mor sure of me than I am of him.

I'm still wondering what I got myself into. For years, I've managed to avoid relationships and commitments. Now this. With someone who's as different from me as December is to May...I have no idea how to go about this. I'm controlling myself most of the time since I can be makulet and childish...and I'm not sure if this is really me.

My friends asked me...Are you happy? Does he bring out the best in you? My answer? Well, we're beset by problems right now, and I don't hear the bells ringing and the birds singing...but I am happy that I am with him (even if not physically). Again, I feel like nothing has changed. Though the feelings are out in the open, and there is a "commitment" (he's thinking in terms of son-in-law, marriage, children and who dies first while I'm still at the Trial and Error stage) somewhere in there, we haven't moved much from the spot. I think everything will clear up eventually...And I hope it'll only make us stronger.

So my last recourse is, of course, prayer. I haven't told him why I felt sure I should give him the chance...but it all has got to do with signs...Thank you, Mama Mary.

And guys, please pray for us.

Day 1

Guilt-ridden.
Scared.
Is this what I want?
Will this work out?
What's next?
It's even more complicated than complicated is spelled.
I'm not used to having to "share" my life...or anyone else.
Miss Fiercely Independent meets a dead end.
Shhh. Secret.

Status: It's Complicated

A month ago...Single.
Yesterday...It's complicated.
Today...It's very complicated.

"Relationships are trial and errors...if it's not really right, we forgive and we move on..."

"Are you willing to have a trial and error with me? Please give me a chance"

Bleaker...

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa yo. Hindi ko na alam kung hanggang saan pa ang kaya ko pag tiyagaan sa iyo. Napapagod na ako. Naguguluhan. Ayoko na.

Remember nung sinabi ko sa iyo na soft-hearted ako, oo. Pero pag nanawa ako..or napagod, kaya kong itapon ang isang tao, bagay or relationship without second thoughts...idagdag ko lang, without looking back...

And I want to close this book, end this cat-and-mouse game. Ayaw ko na, too much emtional trouble for nothing. Yung story natin is getting old. I want to be free of our ties to each other...
And so, with this final letter, I hope maging free ka na rin. Sorry kung ako unang umayaw sa game...hindi ko type yung walang rules eh.

-----------------

I was planning to send it WHEN and IF time comes...I had to prep myself first, of course.
But last night was THE END.

-----------------
After another round of "pikunan" about a trivial, yet sensitive issue, I finally said enough is enough. I'm tired of having to defend myself about that issue. If he wants to believe I'd stoop so low as to fall in love, even have delusions, with a married-and-still-on-the-loose man, then he doesn't know me at all, and is not deserving to be called a friend, let alone, my best friend.

I feel down and out. But that's the way things go, and if there's a glimmer of hope somewhere, I hope to be able to see it soon. As for now, the world looks bleak, but I know, like any other time before, I'll be resilient and bounce back...

I miss him, though. And I can't believe he'd go without so much as saying sorry for hurting my feelings. He accepted my word that I cannot forgive him, and that is that. No word from him. A friend told me that he told her it was fine because he's used to being alone anyways. And I feel sad because he just so easily forgot I was his friend. That I WAS THERE with him in his dark, desolate moments. A couple of nights back, he got drunk and was testing me (at 4 am!) "where the hell are my friends, where are you, at this exact minute"...and I told him, "I've always been here for you, but I don't think you see me for what I am"...

I've surrendered all these to the Lord, praying things work out for the best. I don't know what love is, how it really feels, and I am not so sure this is it. Today, the world spins slowly, dully, colorless and gray. Tomorrow, I know it'll be better. Just as it always has been for me...

Convoluted

My world went a-spinning last Monday night...and all because a man lost his marbles with a few bottles of beer.

I can't name names. But the gist of the story is:

Man # 1 (M1) went on vacation with GF, ended up fighting with her, and got thrown out of the room, without moolah. M1 called me for advice and whatever, cried his alcohol-soaked heart out, and pleaded for help.

My Boylet #1 (B1) texted, he has a headache. I asked him to rest and told him I'm trying to help out a friend, thinking B1 would be at least complacent. Boylet #2 also sent texts and I sent the same request.

B1 asked who the miserable soul was and got mad as hell on the loose when he learned it's M1. Previously, B1 thought I am flirting/dating M1. B1 thought M1 is just playing possum to get my sympathy, a well-known, oft-used ploy. We got into an argument, with me stressing that I am doing what I, as a Christian, am supposed to do. And stressed further that a few weeks back, when he, B1 was in the dumps, friends had thought he was playing games with me, but I ignored them and trusted him. B1 got as far as accusing me of being in love with M1, and that hurt the most.

Finally calming down, B1 realized how similar he and M1 were, and offered to help. But after a while, M1 got quiet and I began to realize how B1 could be right.

On the sideline, B2 said sorry for interfering, and thought that the reason B1 is mad at me is because of him (B2). He said he will give way for B1. I told him I can't handle all these for now...

I called M1 and lo! His GF answered and askd me if there was anything going on between me and her bf. Wha is this? A conspiracy? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Am I in Big Brother's house?

I told GF that, no, there's nothing between me and M1. After some discussion, I accused her of "ruining" whatever chance there is between me and B1. She apologized and I ask her to call and explain to B1 that I wasn't a victim of a prank by M1. She complied and I felt relieved. After a few minutes, GF called again and we talked like old friends...see how fate can be so twisted?

I felt bad about the whole thing...whether to forgive M1 or listen to his side first. I felt duped, and apologized to B1 about the whole mess. He said it was okay and not to cry and worry about it anymore.

I had thought the story would end there...

When a man gets drunk...

1. He speaks english...broken, carabao, mangled and promdi english.
2. He yakks and yakks about everything and nothing.
3. He doesn't make sense...even when he is already trying to explain.
4. He caterwauls. Wails like a baby.
5. He can't figure out his ass from his head.
6. He opens a lot of cans of worms, and be the first to run.
7. He tries to sound sensitive, and ends up being the biggest jerk on earth.

And so the misery continues

The wheels keep on turning, and I ought to be castigated for not living up to the promises I made to myself.

Yes, I am still as engrossed in the mess as I was before. But now, with eyes both open. I have no expectations now, know only that there is not much future to be had with this man. I have seen his weaknesses, and embraced him nonetheless. I have felt the bitter lash of his egocentricity, yet, I hold out for more...Is this the way I want to continue with my love?...Is this really love, or just my need to mother someone who's weak and needy?

I look at the other side of the road and see the men who'd fish the night skies for stars at my meerest suggestion. I see them hold out for more of the crumbs I toss at them...is this my karma? Do they feel the same hopelessness and sadness I feel?

If only I can force my heart to look the other way...Across the road. To where better men stand and wait...

Where do I go? Some of my friends tell me to follow my heart...but I see there's only a dead end there. Most of my married friends advised me to use my head, choose the man who would love me completely, totally, unselfishly...even if I don't love them as much. A woman's heart is easily won with tenderness, love and good deeds. A man who is not committed to you is not as easily won by the same amount of TLC.

But I don't believe in settling for less. I don't believe in grabbing any opportunity, just because they are opportunity. I don't want to open every gaily-wrapped package.

Eventually, I know I need to give him up. Whatever lies in the near future for us, even if romance blooms, I know it will not last. Perhaps, this is my way of excusing myself from commitment, but I can see, he is not the man who would make me happy. His faults, the same ones I willingly overlook now, will be my undoing. Eventually, I would not be able to stand being just someone who's there. Eventually, I would learn to value again my pride. Evenytually, I will find that I need freedom more than I need to be a mother, a friend, his salvation army. Who knows, eventually, he will heal and I may need to find another miserable soul to nurse.

The End.

Because, suddenly, I realized, cutting off someone important from your life is as easy as a guillotine severing a head from the body. The agony of deciding kills you before the actual beheading does.

Suddenly, it dawned upon me. The parting must be swift. Precise. And final.

I was lying in bed last night thinking, what am I doing with myself? Is he someone I really want to love, be with? He's not even remotely stable...in all sense of the word. I promised myself I will not go for someone who would not stay...and here he is, a drifter though life.

So today, I woke up without a heavy heart. I must have poured out the last reserves of my symphathy for him last night. Coz there's nothing left here in me to give to him...no thoughts, no sadness, no affection, nothing at all, but a blurred image of him.

Agony

I woke up feeling lonely
And the quiet frightens me
It is as if you never existed
Never came to be...

-----------
I'll leave you to your solitude
To grieve the death of your self
I cannot save you
Now that I know I can't redeem my own

-----------
I will not blame you
It was my own knife that stabbed my heartI
had thought it would not pierce through
I had thought it made of stone

Again....

After bouncing back from the pride-shattering realization of last Thursday, I've decided I should just do what I do best...ride it out and have some fun. Hehee. It might sound mean, but having my ego (and a bit of my heart) stepped on a bit made me realize I don't have to stand (and I can't stand) being second best in someone's heart. Cliche and melodramatic as it may seem, no, I am not a martyr, and yes, I am self-centered, selfish and demanding. I don't have excuses, and I am not sorry.

You see, after being his Salvation Army, I don't think I could stand to be his love-doctor as well...not while he yearns for another woman...I am not going to be a proxy girl. I am not going to be someone's 2nd best. I am not going to be the "almost, but not quite". I am not cut out for self-depreciating relationships.

He makes a play for my feelings, and I don't know how sincere he is...I've never associated sincerity with flirting anyhow, so there's no big question mark about it. Making up my mind to play it by ear, and to give as good as I get, an eye for an eye and his own words against his, I try to corner him into admitting what his intentions are. The results are the same everytime, and he implied that he does have feelings for me...What they are, heaven only knows.

I suspect, as always, and have made it known to him, that loneliness is a big factor in his "feelings" for me. I have accepted it, as well as I have accepted a lot of painful truths in my life, that love is not necessarily the feeling of wanting to cherish, but at times, it is the need to be cherished, taken care of. God must be laughing, because he gave me maternal instincts that predators can smell a mile away.

I still have to see where this farce will lead us, but I have yet again to remind myself that this is dangerous waters I am treading. I am taking a big gamble, playing with his feelings, when my own are also at stake. There are what ifs in my head.. WHAT IF his feelings are true and I hurt him and he decides it's not worth it? WHAT IF there's a chance for us and I blow it by being so demanding? WHAT IF he is my mirror, and he can see through my game and call my bluff...

But WHAT IF my suspicions are right?

The problem with me...

Is that I cannot think past the present, past the NOW, and see how hurt I'll end up tomorrow.
I forgive so easily, my resolves so quickly forgotten.

I cannot leave him. Cannot turn my back on someone who needs me. Cannot deny him my shoulder, my sympathy, my attention. Even when it means drowning in sorrow that is not mine.

I've had an easy life. I've never known pain the way some people have. My fortune has been good, and though Fate often plays mean jokes on me, I've bounced back easily, and I've never been deeply wounded.

I give too easily, and I give all. If I hold back, it is with my commitment, but not on my feelings.
I seem too strong, and the weak flock to me. But I am not that strong. Am not that wise. I only have enough that soon I'll run out.

I told a friend last week that one shouldn't go into a relationship expecting the other to change for the better. One shouldn't dream of picking a wild oat and planting it in a backyard lot and expect it to grow. One shouldn't choose a needy person hoping you have enough happiness for both of you.

I'm reminded of the word "burden bearer". Perhaps, I am this.

I want to ask him...questions. But now is not the right time. And I may not be the right person. There may never be a right moment.

He needs me, is all I know. But is it enough for me to feel needed?

Where Have All My Free Time Gone?

I was supposed to have a lot of free time in my hands after graduation...no more Saturday classes, no more late, harassed and book-scanning nights preparing for reports, no more jittery presentations...

But then, my calendar started filling up with Saturday youth ministry meetings, dance and choir practices, and whatnots. I have yet to unpack completely my suitcases. I have yet to sit down and try to translate a page of the Korean book Louise gave me. I have yet to sort out my clothes, since my closet is always locked, the househelp just put my laundered clothes on my sofa. I haven't seen my MP3 for three weeks now, and have no idea where and when to start looking.

Now, with a healing mass and the SGS anniversary looming, I've to learn and teach some dance steps from the High School Musical. A friend's wedding is coming soon, so I need to go back to the gym to lose the fat I gained after the compre.

And here I was vowing to find time for a lovelife...Sigh, now I'm just praying I'll have enough time for sleep.

Surviving Hong Kong

Travelling alone, it seems, is best for my "luck". When travelling with companions, I would encounter problems with my documents, clothes, direction, etc. Going to Hong Kong alone, my trips (both to and fro) were smooth sailing.

Day 1.

Was scared I would get detained at immigrations because of bad health. Earlier on, I had caught the colds and was on medication. MDC was even hesitant to issue a medical clearance.

I was early at the airport, prepared for any eventuality. I cleared my bags of any liquids, gels and stuff that would make me even remotely suspicious. I said my rosary and stayed as quiet as possible, even if I seemed snubbish to the rest of the HK-bound Filipinas.

I arrived safe and sound at HKIA. First order was to give Tita Mary, my sis' mother-in-law, a call. She wasn't home. And I learned the hard way that the pay phone doesn't give change.

Took the Airport Express trying not to look stupid. Ha ha ha. Almost managed it, except that I made the wrong turn...Heehee. Being alone in a strange land made overcome my shyness. I was asking for directions here and there, and people did seem really accommodating. I got into the hotel shuttle and was brought to the hotel. The ride was quiet - I was the only passenger. They were a stickler for punctuality and when they say the bus would leave at 12:30, it would leave at that exact time.

Lan Kwai Fong Hotel. Okay. So my credit card was denied...what could I expect? I paid in cash for the 3 nights stay, plus a thousand in deposit. Hmm, checked my purse, I still had enough to get decent food and stuff for the rest of my stay.

The Hotel room was surprisingly small for a costly hotel. It had a bathtub, though. HURRAH!!!! Darn, I did not bring any bath salts or foam. I unpacked, checked my schedule, opened the envelope BIS left for me, and went to look for a phone.

I managed to find IFC mall by just getting lost with the crowd. Hahaha. I was happy it would only take me a few minutes to walk to IFC, where the workshop would be held, from the hotel.

Here's a tip for the travellers wanting to use the payphone: Get plenty of coins. I must have spent 10 HKD trying to contact Tita Mary. Three times, she could not hear me even if I was literally making a spectacle of myself, screaming in such a busy place.

Back to the hotel, I decided to risk additional room charges and made the call, with my tummy begging for some food, and my feet some rest. I had bought some bottled water and cookies at Watsons so I could get some coins for the phone. After calling Tita, I soaked myself in hot water and prayed I would not fall asleep and be drown. I was probably so anxious about the workshop that I can't even manage to relax, even with the complimentary bath salts, hot water and bath tub. What I had planned to be an hour long soak turned to a 15 minute tumbling and turning and 5 minute rinse. Sigh. I am not enjoying this. So far, I have yet to feel the exhiliration of being the official bank rep to a seminar.

Tita Mary arrived a few minutes later, having gotten lost. Apparently, there are two Lan Kwai Fong Hotels in the area...okay, I'm not going into details about that...what I do know is that every poor miserable soul looking for my hotel got lost. THAT is probably why they offer free shuttle pick-up from the HK station.

Tita and I took the tram going to ISH, and I was early for the meet-up. I took my sweet time freshening up (uh, working up the nerves to go to the lobby and meet the rest) at the ladies' room (which is like, almost bigger than my hotel room).

The first participant I met was Chitrani, from Sri Lanka. I knew she looked familiar (well, with that Sari, she would!) because she was also staying at LKF. A round of introductions by Candy...There's Chia from Singapore, Aree from Thailand, Steven from the BIS and Mr. Oh from Korea.

---more tomorrow ---------

Nervous Wreck

I'm having palpitation. As usual, the 15th of the month is one of the busiest days for the webteam, so there's a frantic rush to answer phone calls, check mails, prepare press releases, lay-out tables, upload and check pages. To add to today's load were messages from Weng and Meks re our summer get-away, which we've been planning for ages and vowed to really do this year.

After lunch, I was really sleepy, so I brewed some Batangas coffee. Instent perk-me-up! Not only that, I'm having a nervous breakdown, I think. Well, the coffee was the aggravator...

Today:

1. Finally got my red passport. Hong Kong is a reality, and the only way it'll get cancelled is if Storm Signal No. 8 visits HK.
2. Got a notice that I am to lead in the singing of the national anthem on Monday. Cough, cough, cough...ugh, I'm coming down with a sore throat (which, unfortunately, I cannot afford now with HK next week)
3. Haven't seen my compre results yet. Grades available since yesterday, but I'm putting it off until tomorrow, since we'll be going there to pay graduation fees et. al. anyways. My other classmates got theirs, already, and are comparing grades. I'm just thankful I passed.
4. Will miss dancing at the Youth LSS again this end-March. Simplty cannot attend practices.
5. Still have no clear schedule for HK. Being the OC me, I've made a tentative schedule of my flight sched, what time I'll arrive in HK, the hotel, what time I'll take a bath, leave for ISH etc. Somewhere there, I have to jot down what time, where and how I'll meet my sister's mother-in-law. With no clear plans, my schedule's going to go haywire. I've never been late for anything, and I'm not planning to have the FIRST on official business on a foreign land.
6. No clear idea of what clothes I need to bring. All I know is I need wear business attire and smart casual. Need to buy a pantsuit. And a belt. And food. Gawd, how am I to survive five days alone in HK when I can't even look after myself?

Please text me

One thing I love about my K800i is the unlimited Message Inbox capacity. I had to say goodbye to my old K700i because after two years, it got a bug wherein Inbox capacity was reduced from 90+ to 50 to 15. I had to reset it every month, or as needed, just so I can save more messages, that I won't eventually be able to salvage when resetting time comes.

And so, I hoard every cute, funny and forward-worthy SMS I receive. Even SMS from MFXD. And even nonsense, hi-how-are-you text messages from boylets...Every now and then, I'd enroll in UNLIMTX, scroll down my Inbox and forward like crazy so I can delete the SMS (which has served it purpose by then).

Lately, there must have been about over a hundred SMS in my Inbox. I'd delete and delete, but some UNLI maniac would just fill it up again, and I've been very lazy lately to go pay if forward. I contemplated on deleting a lot of the old stuff, and with eyes shut, managed to erase some "memorable, *kilig*-inducing" messages. I hovered constantly between Delete Message "Yes" and "No".

Last night, Fate decided I must be decisive. Let go.

It a fit of sleepiness, while watching Pinoy soaps and trying to stay in semi-concsiousness, I scanned through my messages, forwarding stuff to old friends. I decided to empty my Sent Items, had second thoughts when my clumsy fingers seem to miss keys.

And behold. I didn't realize until an hour ago, that I deleted my INBOX. Yes, my beloved treasure chest of messages from friends old and new. Cheesy, cliche and mushy ideals translated to almost unreadable texts. Jokes on marital bliss (that kept me ever evasive of it), courtship, love and life in general. And the text messages informing me of my last prepaid credit loading, my Olay notice, etc. etc. etc. It was like losing a diary...

So now, my Inbox holds a scant five messages. I checked and found my Sent Items brimming with twenty. Huhuhu. Only pride is stopping me from texting my friends..."Please text me!". Ha! Ha! Ha!

Please text me.

This week...

What the entire BSP is busy with these past few days: The 2007 Sportsfest.

What I'm busy with: My first ever company-sponsored foreign travel...To Hong Kong on 21 March 2007!

I didn't know it would be this toxic. All, bureaucracy! My travel advisory took one whole month before it was signed.

Now I'm waiting for confirmation on my hotel before I can proceed with applying for cash advance.

What I'm worried about: Reservations need a credit card. My credit card limit is like....too embarrassing to mention. And it's mighty late to be applying for an increase.

Anyways, life's a bore...

I miss him already

When i think of him
so far away
and i close my eyes
there comes to mind
an image

of a book
in a room void of life
and the wind
turns the pages
as it wails

its agony
sings in tune
with the fluttering of
the empty pages

yes
when i think of him
so far away
and have not even begun
to miss him yet

my heart is the wind
that turns the pages
of my life
empty except
for its silence

I got this message from a text-happy UNLI user...

sad realities:
d problem with boys, they can make u believe that they love u evn if they dont.
d problem with girls, they can make u believe they dont love you even if they do.

I'm adding a piece of my own:

saying goodbye is dying little by little every day
wiping tear after tear with a promise it will be the last to be shed
feeling like your heart just stopped
and knowing every word you write is cliche and too mushy
but still writing it down anyway..

So okay. Do I sound heartbroken? Well, in truth, am not. But I'm convincing myself that I am, because my life's a big barren of brokeness anyway, and I'm too numbed now to feel it...I think. I keep asking myself, why don't I feel anything grand for the *ehem* guys I am supposed to really like? Is there something wrong with me that when I get bored, I can say goodbye so easily and move on???

So now, with the Brit working out all week, and someone saying goodbye for the meantime, I'm bored. No more school, no dance yet, though back to the office chorale, no gimmiks scheduled...hay...my mind is slowly degenerating into a big mush of corny-ness.

Another One for the Dustbin

Though it hurts my pride to accept it, maybe you're just not for me. I know you just need a friend for now, and it's all that I can be for you. You don't have doors to close because you've never opened them for me, so now, I'm the one closing my doors to you.

I can't sit and wait for you to look at me and realize I'm your "The One". My life would be so totally wasted searching for things that may not even be there. The energy and emotions I've invested on you are enough, and I've reached my limit. I can see you're just needy, and weak and not wanting to be alone. While I'd gladly provide you with some entertainment, I'm not a convenience store open 24/7.

I'm your friend, but on my definition and bounderies of friendship. Sure, you can call me selfish for now, but I can see where this one-way avenue is heading. I'm stopping now and backing out while I can still find my way.

So sorry if your messages will remain unreplied to, or if my shoulder won't be there for you to lean on. I've been stupid enough, believing it would all work out somehow. I won't be here forever to wipe away your tears, so we might as well get used to it.

I made it!

Excuse me...I'm just passing by to sing..

I made it through the wilderness....

Looks like we made it!!!

I did it my way!

Hallelujiah!

Well, the compre exams is a thing I can now file under Stressful Events of my life. I'm not particularly hoping to get super high grades, seeing how I studied the last few days (online chatting with errrrr, people). The most important thing now is surviving it. And boy, did I just barely survived it!

Incidents:

- My carbonated water burst. Papers and folders got wet. Fortunately, the finished ones were already stored inside the folder and all that got wet were my printouts and the current question I was working on.

- Bad timing of LBM. In the middle of the second question of the FIRST subject.

So now, the only thing standing between me and that masteral degree is the result of that compre exams. But I'm not gonna worry myself sick over that. It's outta my hands. For now, I'm concetrating on pursuing other enjoyable aspects of my life. Next in line: Korean lessons.
And yes, dating.

Cramming cramming chatting

I must be crazy, or else hopelessly addicted..

What am I doing chatting up the night when I have to study for an exam? My lame excuse is that I'm online anyway, and squeezing google dry takes such a lot of time.

So okay. There are interesting men I've met via the much TEC-talked about Faceparty (unabashed advertising). However, I'm still very wary with the details I give and the flattery I receive. Hahaha. I wonder how come Filipino men don't look at Filipina women the same way...

Oh, I forgot to mention, except for one Filipino DI in Brunei, most of my chatmates are foreigners. A Brit, a Swiss and of course, the German scholar Jed and I met in Korea last year.
In fairness, I limit my internet usage at home to between 2 to 3 hours. After that, I become a boring conversationalist.

Honestly, I'm a bit disappointed. I've often thought chatting with them would be such fun, and there'll be lots of stuff to talk about. Execpt for the Brit and the German, the rest are all duh.

In contrast to the experiences of my two TEC sisters, my chat life is uneventful. I'm not expecting much from it, given how boring and prudish I can be (let's not talk about S E X baby..hahaha), and the varying time zones this planet has. The borderless concept of globalization still hasn't solved the issue on time lags. I jokingly referred to them as guy from the past and guy from the future. The Brit, though, swore he found me so cute being a goody-two-shoes, and appreciates my sense of humor. However, I would rather up to be perceived as a tigress than a hamster, if you get the analogy.

The bright side here is, as I've very clearly stated "no perverts please" in my profile, I rarely get indecent proposals and sex-starved maniacs on my buddy list. There are, however, the really really dense (and thick-faced) ones, and I had to block them in my YM. One word of advise: NO to Middle-Eastern and African men.

Anyway, it's two days to go before the Sunday exams. Some of our classmates have requested a deferment of the exam owing to the limited time to study. But I'd rather get it over with, so I can get it out of my system and never have to think about it again.

The Brit asked me this morning what my plans are after the exams. It got me thinking, heck, my life's so on-hold I don't even have plans for Monday. Maybe with exams out of the way I can devote some time learning the ropes of chatting.

As Jopen said..."Go for gold"

12 hours of torture

I don't like to play games, so maybe I should end this, because something might get broken, and it just might be my heart.

But knowing me, I might just continue to trod on, unmindful of my pride, ever so fooled by vanity.

------------

A sentimental thought, even after 12 hours of torture, err, exams. My fingers are disfigured from writing non-stop, and I have a splitting head ache not even 2 capsules of Advil can alleviate. If there is one thing on my mind (aside from the pesk that's residing in my Yahoo! Messenger buddy list) is whether I would pass the exams with some dignity left.

On hold

The compre exams starts this Sunday…so what am I doing online, updating my blog, my flickr account, my website etc?

Honestly, my brain could only store so much.

Besides, the temptation of chatting with, uh, friends is strong.

Plus, I AM STUDYING. I’m surfing and downloading documents from the web...which by the way, eats up 80% of my time. Already, I am buried under tons of printed materials. Tomorrow's a Saturday, and I've dedicated the whole day for review. Wish me luck, cross my fingers.

Uh, No time to think about boys at all.

Well, except last night, Fate dealt me a bad set of cards and I managed to, yes, encounter MFXD. Good thing Kel, my colleague was with me...but since my companion sleeps once he's settled in, I did the only thing I could. I chatted non-stop. Well, I did allow Kel to throw in some insights once in a while. Har har har.

The rest of my lovelife's on hold. For now.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...

Good for OFWs, there's such a thing as Absentee Voting.

Could there be a Valentine's Day date by proxy? Hahaha. The boylets are dispersed from Aparri to Jolo. The MSG is in Ilocos, planting rice, I suppose. The other is in Palawan, twiddling his thumb, I bet. The newest (who is still a secret) is somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, and I'm hoping he'd at least remember to call me tomorrow. A friend of ours is cheering the "romance", but I have to bite my tongue for now, lest I end up bitter and blue. I don't want to assume anything, but I do feel the faint stirrings of "kilig", but then again, the true determinant would be longetivityy...how long he'll stay in my list.

So much for a green, thriving and healthy lovelife.

Girls Wanna Have Fun!

The night I finally got to see the inside of a noraebang! Hehehe. Of course, Uchi brought along her romanized lyrics, so they (my favorite Korean songs were limited to MISA, All About Eve, Full House and LIP OST) were able to hit the notes despite the hangeul videoke. =)

Our pics..

The Good, The Bag and the Ugly...

The Good...



...Mapua Dancecom's Dance concert, Breakthrough... Went to watch last January 28 with Iyos, Dennis, Myke and her Dennis, Marc and Jambo.

The Bag...



..third installment from Mr. Shy Guy. (PS: I added the red scarf for color...)

He went home to his province, so it's bye bye time again...

The Ugly..

...this day was as ugly as some ugly days go. I composed an entry earlier, but seeing as I had just finished a Tami Hoag novel, my sentences were punctuated by too much toilet language. It began with...."It's been a shitty day..."

It really was. Imagine lining up for 6 hours to apply for your new GSIS e-card. No food allowed inside the assembly hall. I was asking where Hitler was hiding and if we would be allowed to say our prayers before they gas us.

Then back at the office, I got the feeling I couldn't leave the web alone for a day without anything going wrong. Sigh.

Seduction

It was just as well that the madness stopped. My penchance for excesses, my predeliction for adopting poor, weak and emotionally in-need men would have gotten me deeper into the hell-hole that was both intoxicating and guilt-laden.

I knew once I jump into that hole there would be little way out. I had a thousand excuses, all lame ones, but afforded me reasons to enjoy it for a while. I know it could not last. Should not even start. I don't even have the right to think it. Still, I miss the seduction of the forbidden. As always, man's greatest desire is have that which he can never have. As for my case, the excitement of being with him, as if in secret, was fodder for more. Pretending to be non-chalant when my insides were in turmoil. Spraying on the scent of flirting and hoping he'd pick it up.

Physical intimacy? No. But emotionally, the risks were getting higher. If it wasn't the case, I wouldn't have prayed to God to stop me while I can bear it. I know by myself, I cannot control it. I would react and act the way a starry-eyed romantic would. Just like in the movies, there is no right or wrong for someone in love.

But I was not in-love. I was falling prey to his seduction. How easily! He was all I had wanted in a guy...except he wasn't free.

PIKON

It's D month again. And almost every hapless single female is being preyed upon by family, so-called friends, colleagues and non-entities to get a man.

It pisses me off that too many of my "friends" think I'm so aba, kaawa-awa (pitiful) and luckless because I'm single. Many can't look past my declared "Single" status to the wonderful events in my life. Sure, I don't have a date giving me the death squeeze while walking in a crowded mall. I don't have someone to accompany me while I dig out clothes and stuff during shopping sprees. I don't have a dog at my beck and call 24/7. But those are perks of a relationship I can do well without.

Excuse me. Okay, so I'm defensive. I've turned a deaf ear to their nagging for the longest time, but I'm getting pikon at their insinuations that a single like me would be so man-starved that I would grab the first man who comes my way.

It's bad enough that society dictates a woman's role is to be a mother and a wife. To have friends point out that a life without a partner is not a life at all is worse.

If I were in a relationship, I'd have another head to count during Christmas shopping. Another cellphone number to memorize and keep beeping with constant updates as to my whereabouts. Another person to think about when making decisions. Another planner to consult everyday. Hell, my life's complicated enough.

Now, I'm seriously considering about evaluating my idea of "friends". I may have been too liberal with my definition.

(One-Woman) Salvation Army

Lately, I've been busing sulking about something - someone - that I barely had time to put my thoughts into anything worth reading. And the bad part is, he's not really someone I could talk about, or rather, should talk about. This is the pits, because being as garroulous as I am, I am filled to the brim with stories and questions and just...words.

Work is boring for now. There are too many things to do, but so routinely that being busy offers no salvation from wayward thoughts and conflicting emotions. Much as I love my job, there are days I seriously wish I'm doing something else...like being a belly dancer...Kidding aside, my fears of getting less studious and intelligent with time is preventing me from seeking a scholarship in IT.

Anyway, I wrote in my STARBUCKS DIARY (I just had to mention it, right? After all, not being a coffee-holic/caffein addict, I had to suffer palpitations for days to get this thing) yesterday that I came into a realization that I can call myself the Salvation Army..Yes, I do have a feeling that most men see me as a charity foundation aka mother hen aka little sister aka tissue paper. Most men *attracted* to me (quick, pop my head before it bloats with air!) are weak, suffering from emotionally draining relationships, in need of mother figure, a text mate, a drinking buddy. Someone to comfort them and tell them they're not doing pretty bad in life despite the series of unfortunate events that started with their birth. Someone to listen to their sob stories. Misery loves company, and these boys/men are drowning in it. The list is long, and out of respect for these pool souls, I shall not mention their names.

This latest one, I admit, left me, for a while, in emotional limbo. Because despite the warning signs, I trodded past the barriers and made myself as vulnerable. And in the end, it was I who needed salvation.

Playing Field

Lately, my thoughts have been broken, rambling and incomplete, and they mirror so much of the struggles inside me that I've yet to pay attention to. Life has been messy lately. I live day-by-day, without plans save for the coming comprehensive exams. I drift from one activity to another, hours eclipsing the previous.

So much has happened. The return of a long-lost friend that brought back a lot of baggages that I thought I've discarded. I've moved on, but for friendship's sake, I want to be there for her now that she's needing a friend the most.

A tempest has come. A man I can never, should never look at, yet drawn to like moth to a fire. Wait. I am fire. I burn brighter with a little gale of wind.

A date turned out the way I know it would, and the way I hoped it would not. A disaster of sorts. I've discovered that dating men is just crossing out names from a list. I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm definitely scratching out the last disaster from my list. I'm not holding my breath for this fool, if he's still so hung up on someone else.

I've told MFXD never to send me text messeges again. I won't answer them anymore. I have now joined a carpool in the morning, removing the possibility of chance encounters.

Faceparty account quiet again. I included a note in my profile for perverts to leave me alone. Hahahaha. Well, not really quiet. I get a handful of letters once in a while asking me to go to England, all expense paid, for a meet-up. In MySpace, a German widower asked me (twice) to marry him, in exchange for all his earthly goods and possessions, and yes, even a position in his IT firm. I replied with an itemized assets and liabilities. Shut him up quiet nicely.

Sigh. This playing field is not really my turf.

* can you blame me for being selfish
when i take my happiness wherever,
whenever i can get
stealing chances for all they are worth

is it such a sin to wish for something
more than justa passing fancy
when all you've had were toys easily broken

And frustrations pile up like forgotten letters
Torn pages of a diary yellowed with time and tears
Happiness is not an opportunity that knocks on your door
It doesn't come uninvited, bringing cheers and ally
ou've got to play the part of the gracious host
when all you have in your party is you and a mirror

A little nostalgia

I stopped at my tracks....Life has been going too fast for me to catch up. And I wonder, where did all my time go?

I'm too young for mid-life crisis and too old for teenage depression. So where am I exactly?

Haha. I'm not blue and suicidal, mind you. That is sooo highschool-ish. Speaking og high school, Theresians had a grand homecoming last night. Lanie, Jing, Abi and Ces opted to go, while Tina, Siena and I decided to hang out with each other instead. I had better things to do than look for old classmates that won't even recognize me...or if they did, won't talk to me at all. I enjoyed high school, honestly, but only because it was my time of blossoming. I cared nothing for other people save for my small circle of friends...

But now that it's been more than 1o years...the memories are lost with age. I've moved on, am not anymore the awkward poet with the curly hair.

I've had many realizations, and revelations:

1. Not all feelings are the same, they don't belong to categories, they vary in levels and strength.

2. Feeling for someone my own sex doesn't make me a lesbian.

3. We are all needy when we are young. Some of us grow to become mothers, some to become lovers. And some remain needy children.

4. We don't have any way of knowing how we'll turn out to be ten years from now. No matter what cards life deals us, it's still gut feel how we'll play it.

5. The best gift of school is not the education. You can seriously get by without learning at all. But the best gift is the gift of friends.

6. I still am a sentimental fool. =)

Crossroads

My nerves were a bit over-wrought yesterday. But I think, soon I'm gonna be fine.
Time has decided I hava moved on and now free of THAT emotional bondage. However, yesterday's jitters made me doubt if I really had put all the past behind.

There I was, composing odd lines on the ride home. I was humming melodies from old songs. And the odd, yet familiar stirrings of emotion were there. I had thought poetry, my poetry, had died the day we hang up the phone. From then on, the only thoughts on my paper were meaningless phrases of an emotinal blackout.

But the expected chimes did not ring. There was no more magic, no more fluttering in my heart. And for a while I had felt empty. It had filled me for so many years, and now, I suddenly discovered it was gone. The memories remain just images in my mind, sans the sounds and colors that had chained me for so long.

I am free.

My words ring true, to my ears this time...When Time has decided you have disposed of the burden of yesterday, Fate will allow you to cross paths once again.

Everything Moves in A Circle

everything moves in a circle in this life
who would have thought we'd find each other again after all those years
and now that we're both at the same space and time
nothing has changed
as if those seventeen years did not happen
in my mind's eyes i still see you
the way you were when we parted
we said goodbye but i knew then
everything moves in a circle in this life

look at us, how we've changed
the lives we live are different from our dreams of youth
if i'd known then how we'd turn out now
i would have frozen time and held it tightly in my grasp
i lived in fear of losing you
knowing how empty my cup of life would be
but then
everything moves in a circle in this life

i had dreamed of this
known of this in the subtle promise of yesterday
that one day all promises would be fulfilled
because
everything moves in a circle in this life

The cat and mouse

Am I the cat or the mouse? On one hand, I feel like I am the one in power, playing the game, hiding, dodging Fate's silly games.

But why do I get the feeling I'm being followed, preyed upon, my safety under threat? I want to leave the past behind, I have said all I have said, explained my decision for the nth time. I have made it final and known. I have forgiven, but does that mean I am willing to forget?

It is tiring, to have to watch my back for shadows. It is exhausting to have to resort to hide-and-seek.

I am only playing fair. I cannot give as much as he's willing to give to me, and though he hasn't asked for anything- nay, willing to not even receive any at all from me- I am not so selfish as to rub the insult in.

I'm giving him his freedom, why won't he take it and give me mine?

Black Hole

It was a mistake to begin with.

Like jumping into a hole, knowing full well that there's nothing but darkness. Yet, filled with ennui at what could be there.

And now that the hole proved empty - a ruse, a trap - why do I still get that feeling that I'd willingly jump into it another time?

It's just as well that I emerged for now, unscathed.

Fate said...

I'm not the only one with prayers.I'm not the only one who deserves to be happy.I'm not the only one whose wishes deserve to be granted.

Even at my expense.

I had been successfully eluding the ever famous MFXD...I hide behind jeeps, I board the first FX I encounter, and I avoid any routines of sort.

This morning, I wasn't quite successful.

To top it all off, I left my hankie.

He was so happy he kept thankinge me. He said this was his lucky day. And that his FX is his lucky vehicle. And he asked to keep my hanky. My my my. I was seriously glad, though, that I hadn't had the chance to blow on it yet.

When Fate plays a joke, you end up the butt of it.

For the Longest Time

I'm in a lull right now, having spent a considerable amount of time listening to our Tuesday rehearsal of For the Longest Time....now, it's the song in my head. I still don't know the melody yet since I'm alto, but I just love the lyrics

For the Longest Time

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know the happiness goes on
That's where you found me, when you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you'll feel so right and I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far and it's more than I hope for

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you and how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself, Hold on to my heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far, it's more than I hope for

I don't care what the consequences bring
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad I think you ought to know that
I have been there for the longest time

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances I've forgot how nice romance is
That hasn't happened for the longest time

--

I'm not singing this song for any particular person, but the words ring true and familiar. My sentiments, exactly, though it really has been a long time since I fell in love.

You

I've always thought of you as a friend...so why did it hurt when I learned about her? Somewhere at the back of my mind, there must have been thoughts of you, ideas of us...a wish, a hope, a dream.

Too long the strip of road we've walked together, but never, now I remember, holding hands. I chose to maintain distance, even as I longed for warmth, because I thought it was but appropriate.

Too many the memories we've shared...but only mine, I guess, not yours. I kept them, close to my heart, even now I realize you've discarded them to a distant past.

So why now this reminiscing? Nothing but all the hypotheses in the world. I cannot cry, I cannot shout, I cannot complain. I should be happy for you, for her, for ME. But somewhere, lost in this forest of emotions, I wander.

Men = Self-Esteem???

A friend remarked last week, upon hearing of the surprising developments in my usually uneventful lovelife...

"Four men! It must uplift your self-esteem..."

No, friend. It does not. No man, one man or four will affect my self-esteem...well, not overly. It is quite flattering, of course, to have men seemingly under your spell, until you come to realize how superficial your relationships are with them. How fragile their concept of you is. And that you know almost nil about them. Trust a guy to equate self-esteem with the number of men knocking on your door. If they were all Brad Pitt look-a-like, hmmm, my self-esteem might eventually get a lift. As for now...

Lately, my faceparty account has been buzzing with messages. It seems that Lady Love really has decided it's time to pay some attention on me. However, She's having quite the time of her life sending me the wrong men. No, I'm not interested in 50 something men with their own firms, divorced with two grown up kids almost my age. No, I don't appreciate you describing how you'll adore me. And no, I don't like perverts, thank you very much.

The only sensible letters I've received were a handful. And thank you all for complimenting my eyes. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep them wide open while reading your mails.

Anyways, I'm not about to complain, though I keep repeating the same old line...I seem to be a "dukha" and "dugyot" magnet. Maybe I look like Moses, who will lead the slaves to the land of milk and honey. Fat chance.

Don't Let Friendship Turn to Hate

I hate what I had to resort to...

Hiding like a criminal being chased by the law

Taking a chance on another route

Just to avoid being with him

This is not good. So totally unlike me. I hate pretensions. I hate lying. And most of all, I hate having to hurt anyone's feelings. But I have to, if only to shake myself loose from his imagination. I have to, if only to free him from his fantasies. It is not me he loves. It is his idea of me.

Just like how the others have fallen. Not for me, but for what I seem to be. They don't know me. How could they, when the most I have with them are empty conversations that's not even a breadth of my thoughts? How could they when they don't even see me, what I am, what I could be, but only a reflection of their ideal girl. It's all just the icing. Underneath, I am a far cry from their guardian angel they want me to be. I'm a woman, a warrior, not some defenseless babe waiting for a knight to sweep her off her feet. And I'm more than just my laughter, the bubble world I live in.

I could be inviting, but I'm not always all warmth.

I'm not fire for nothing.

Why I Love UNLIMITXT

Send as many as you want to as many (Globe) friends as you want until your subscription expires..of course, I still have to search out cute, funny and read-worthy SMS to forward to friends. But having UNLIMITXT allowed me to "spend" more on old friends...catch up with long-lost colleagues and say hello to all those I haven't seen for a while. And of course, exchange long banter with fellow text addicts. All these without sighing over the 1 peso per text message (which adds up to a lot...eventually). Over the past months, I've been scrimping my pre-paid load, unaware that the bulk of my cellphone expenses goes to (meaningless) chatter. Ola, UNLI is the answer! (And of course, at home, when I'm online, chikkatext helps with the non-Globe recipients).

So, to all my fellow Globies...UNLI na! Haha. Sorry too, if you're tired of getting them pesky messages...

News from Korea

Congratulations, Julia!!!

*In chingu Louise's latest letter, she mentioned that Julia is on maternity leave...so that would mean...hejhej. Counting backwards, it would mean that Julia was already "expecting" when Jed and I went to Korea in May 2006. =)

What I Spent Money On In 2006

Aside from travel to Korea, food and shirts...



Seven shoes in a span of 3 months...no wonder am a little broke...

New Year, New Dear...

Goodbye to the old...on with the new. All of the sake of having MMS settings, which my old K700i is having problems with.

Still fantasizing about:

• HP iPAQ
• New Laptop (Fujitsu lifeseries...)
• A/T Toyota Vios/Altis
• My mansion complete with Swimming Pool, Library/Recreation Room, Well-equipped kitchen and Music Room

Oh well...I can dream, can't I?