And so the misery continues

The wheels keep on turning, and I ought to be castigated for not living up to the promises I made to myself.

Yes, I am still as engrossed in the mess as I was before. But now, with eyes both open. I have no expectations now, know only that there is not much future to be had with this man. I have seen his weaknesses, and embraced him nonetheless. I have felt the bitter lash of his egocentricity, yet, I hold out for more...Is this the way I want to continue with my love?...Is this really love, or just my need to mother someone who's weak and needy?

I look at the other side of the road and see the men who'd fish the night skies for stars at my meerest suggestion. I see them hold out for more of the crumbs I toss at them...is this my karma? Do they feel the same hopelessness and sadness I feel?

If only I can force my heart to look the other way...Across the road. To where better men stand and wait...

Where do I go? Some of my friends tell me to follow my heart...but I see there's only a dead end there. Most of my married friends advised me to use my head, choose the man who would love me completely, totally, unselfishly...even if I don't love them as much. A woman's heart is easily won with tenderness, love and good deeds. A man who is not committed to you is not as easily won by the same amount of TLC.

But I don't believe in settling for less. I don't believe in grabbing any opportunity, just because they are opportunity. I don't want to open every gaily-wrapped package.

Eventually, I know I need to give him up. Whatever lies in the near future for us, even if romance blooms, I know it will not last. Perhaps, this is my way of excusing myself from commitment, but I can see, he is not the man who would make me happy. His faults, the same ones I willingly overlook now, will be my undoing. Eventually, I would not be able to stand being just someone who's there. Eventually, I would learn to value again my pride. Evenytually, I will find that I need freedom more than I need to be a mother, a friend, his salvation army. Who knows, eventually, he will heal and I may need to find another miserable soul to nurse.

The End.

Because, suddenly, I realized, cutting off someone important from your life is as easy as a guillotine severing a head from the body. The agony of deciding kills you before the actual beheading does.

Suddenly, it dawned upon me. The parting must be swift. Precise. And final.

I was lying in bed last night thinking, what am I doing with myself? Is he someone I really want to love, be with? He's not even remotely stable...in all sense of the word. I promised myself I will not go for someone who would not stay...and here he is, a drifter though life.

So today, I woke up without a heavy heart. I must have poured out the last reserves of my symphathy for him last night. Coz there's nothing left here in me to give to him...no thoughts, no sadness, no affection, nothing at all, but a blurred image of him.

Agony

I woke up feeling lonely
And the quiet frightens me
It is as if you never existed
Never came to be...

-----------
I'll leave you to your solitude
To grieve the death of your self
I cannot save you
Now that I know I can't redeem my own

-----------
I will not blame you
It was my own knife that stabbed my heartI
had thought it would not pierce through
I had thought it made of stone

Again....

After bouncing back from the pride-shattering realization of last Thursday, I've decided I should just do what I do best...ride it out and have some fun. Hehee. It might sound mean, but having my ego (and a bit of my heart) stepped on a bit made me realize I don't have to stand (and I can't stand) being second best in someone's heart. Cliche and melodramatic as it may seem, no, I am not a martyr, and yes, I am self-centered, selfish and demanding. I don't have excuses, and I am not sorry.

You see, after being his Salvation Army, I don't think I could stand to be his love-doctor as well...not while he yearns for another woman...I am not going to be a proxy girl. I am not going to be someone's 2nd best. I am not going to be the "almost, but not quite". I am not cut out for self-depreciating relationships.

He makes a play for my feelings, and I don't know how sincere he is...I've never associated sincerity with flirting anyhow, so there's no big question mark about it. Making up my mind to play it by ear, and to give as good as I get, an eye for an eye and his own words against his, I try to corner him into admitting what his intentions are. The results are the same everytime, and he implied that he does have feelings for me...What they are, heaven only knows.

I suspect, as always, and have made it known to him, that loneliness is a big factor in his "feelings" for me. I have accepted it, as well as I have accepted a lot of painful truths in my life, that love is not necessarily the feeling of wanting to cherish, but at times, it is the need to be cherished, taken care of. God must be laughing, because he gave me maternal instincts that predators can smell a mile away.

I still have to see where this farce will lead us, but I have yet again to remind myself that this is dangerous waters I am treading. I am taking a big gamble, playing with his feelings, when my own are also at stake. There are what ifs in my head.. WHAT IF his feelings are true and I hurt him and he decides it's not worth it? WHAT IF there's a chance for us and I blow it by being so demanding? WHAT IF he is my mirror, and he can see through my game and call my bluff...

But WHAT IF my suspicions are right?

The problem with me...

Is that I cannot think past the present, past the NOW, and see how hurt I'll end up tomorrow.
I forgive so easily, my resolves so quickly forgotten.

I cannot leave him. Cannot turn my back on someone who needs me. Cannot deny him my shoulder, my sympathy, my attention. Even when it means drowning in sorrow that is not mine.

I've had an easy life. I've never known pain the way some people have. My fortune has been good, and though Fate often plays mean jokes on me, I've bounced back easily, and I've never been deeply wounded.

I give too easily, and I give all. If I hold back, it is with my commitment, but not on my feelings.
I seem too strong, and the weak flock to me. But I am not that strong. Am not that wise. I only have enough that soon I'll run out.

I told a friend last week that one shouldn't go into a relationship expecting the other to change for the better. One shouldn't dream of picking a wild oat and planting it in a backyard lot and expect it to grow. One shouldn't choose a needy person hoping you have enough happiness for both of you.

I'm reminded of the word "burden bearer". Perhaps, I am this.

I want to ask him...questions. But now is not the right time. And I may not be the right person. There may never be a right moment.

He needs me, is all I know. But is it enough for me to feel needed?

Where Have All My Free Time Gone?

I was supposed to have a lot of free time in my hands after graduation...no more Saturday classes, no more late, harassed and book-scanning nights preparing for reports, no more jittery presentations...

But then, my calendar started filling up with Saturday youth ministry meetings, dance and choir practices, and whatnots. I have yet to unpack completely my suitcases. I have yet to sit down and try to translate a page of the Korean book Louise gave me. I have yet to sort out my clothes, since my closet is always locked, the househelp just put my laundered clothes on my sofa. I haven't seen my MP3 for three weeks now, and have no idea where and when to start looking.

Now, with a healing mass and the SGS anniversary looming, I've to learn and teach some dance steps from the High School Musical. A friend's wedding is coming soon, so I need to go back to the gym to lose the fat I gained after the compre.

And here I was vowing to find time for a lovelife...Sigh, now I'm just praying I'll have enough time for sleep.