Going Nowhere

As quickly as it started, we ended.

What happened?

A 180 degree turn from the person I used to know. Someone shot down the bird on the wire, and communication trickled like rain in the desert.

What happened?

The problems are the same...yes, maybe more. Were they so enormous it overshadowed everything, even a three-minute call?

Where do we go from here?

Honestly, nowhere.

But even closure is not within reach. Everything's hanging. And I don't know until when.

What I do know is that I'm moving on despite the rope. Maybe it wasn't even tied to begin with...

From Sweet Nothings to...Nothing

(Monday) At the third week, on the weeksary itself, the storm finally hit and I found myself in it's eye. Calm and yet deceptive, destructive. I needed to walk away before it destroys me.

(Today) After a day of solitude, and some miniscule crumb of pride swallowed, I was rewarded with liberation. Yes! My emotional ties were cut, suddenly, the way it always is when prayers are answered.

I don't have to worry about him anymore. I gave that back to God.

no matter how much we love and care for a person, if we are uncertain of our position, there will be a point when the only thing certain is to give up...(Anonymous)

I wanted a sweet, thoughtful guy. Someone who'd bombard my message inbox with senseless ILUs and sweet nothings. Yes, I am a hopeless, story-book romantic. My eyes do get heart-shaped instead of round. And I do feel the flutter in my stomach when I think of my guy.

But I didn't get my wish. No siree. Not an ounce of sweetness. Long-distance relationships have only the cellphone as salvation. But not a peep from him for one and a half day until his problems mounted up and he needed to talk to me. I got sick but wanted to stay up so we could finally talk, and all he had to say was "i'm going to sleep". Hell. I almost deleted his name from my contact list.

On the other hand, the guys I've turned down continued to bombared me with ILUs, even if I had told them I am already semi-committed.

So now, yes, I'm having second thoughts. And third and fourth and a hundred petty reasons why I should just up and leave him. But I'm holding my ground, stupid me. I'm waiting for a sign, like I did before...perhaps then, I'd see some glimmer of hope.

25-May 2007 07:00

palitan na natin yun . . . in a relationship na . . game?

Those three words...

Why can't we say it, let each other know?
Does it really exist?
Do we really NOT know what it is?

Why do we have to hide inside our shell of insecurities?
Our self doubts and past hurts?
Why can't we free ourselves of our pride?

I am just a reflection of you, and you me.
Both of us waiting only for the other to take the first move...

From the Song...

I Don't Know How to Love Him...

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so.

Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love - let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this - what's it all about?

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away,
I wouldn't want to know -
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

----

Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Lyrics: Tim Rice.
Show: "Jesus Christ superstar" (concept album 1970, first performed 1971).

** The BS Singers has been practicing this piece for days now, and the last time, I got mysty eyed. True, it sounds weird to be singing this, given the background of the song, but I could just totally relate.

Though of course, I won't get to the last three lines. I'm still unsure.

To be or not to be

that is the question.

sometimes i feel, yes, it's getting better

but still, the nagging question...

am i ready for this

The windmills of his mind are spinning like crazy, and I am afraid I'm getting far behind. Already he has plans for a future I have not even dared to think of...

He keeps on doubting me, because I can't reassure him yet if he's my final answer. He keeps on reminding me of the other men who surrounds me...what men? Can't I, at least, keep a few as friends?

Yet, I know if I lose him now, I will be sad.

Problematic

On hold for now
Fate has dealt us a bad hand.
I want to try to make it work, but obviously, he needs to fix his life first.
He needs to clean up his act.

And I need to know what it is I am afraid of.
We all have our demons to face, I told him that, before he spilled his guts out to me.
And this is my demon, my personal battle.
I can't forever be waiting for a chance to escape...

Relationships shouldn't be a prison, but a haven.
But everyday, I feel so chained instead of cherished.
And everyday I keep asking if this is what I want,
And what he needs.

So now, it's back to square 1, minus a thousand steps.
Regrets are too late, but I keep wishing this whole drama never happened at all.

Happy?

Everyday I ask

"Are you happy?"

And I keep expecting you'd say yes
Even if the day looks bleak and grey

Now I ask

"Am I happy?"

And though I want to say yes
I know it's not true, not at all

Daysary...

Sure as hell never thought it would be as complicated as this.

For starters, I have no idea how it feels to be in love, or to love a person...other than my family, friends and myself, of course. Is there suppose to be some kilig? Well, I'm missing out on that part...are you there, Lady Love???

Nothing much has changed, still the same conversation, the same people that we are before we entered this "Trial and Error" thing.

We almost got into an argument last night...well into the 23rd hour of our first day. Haha. He said he'd better sleep just so we could finish the whole 24 hours, at least...At least I learned he gets jealous...and he's mor sure of me than I am of him.

I'm still wondering what I got myself into. For years, I've managed to avoid relationships and commitments. Now this. With someone who's as different from me as December is to May...I have no idea how to go about this. I'm controlling myself most of the time since I can be makulet and childish...and I'm not sure if this is really me.

My friends asked me...Are you happy? Does he bring out the best in you? My answer? Well, we're beset by problems right now, and I don't hear the bells ringing and the birds singing...but I am happy that I am with him (even if not physically). Again, I feel like nothing has changed. Though the feelings are out in the open, and there is a "commitment" (he's thinking in terms of son-in-law, marriage, children and who dies first while I'm still at the Trial and Error stage) somewhere in there, we haven't moved much from the spot. I think everything will clear up eventually...And I hope it'll only make us stronger.

So my last recourse is, of course, prayer. I haven't told him why I felt sure I should give him the chance...but it all has got to do with signs...Thank you, Mama Mary.

And guys, please pray for us.

Day 1

Guilt-ridden.
Scared.
Is this what I want?
Will this work out?
What's next?
It's even more complicated than complicated is spelled.
I'm not used to having to "share" my life...or anyone else.
Miss Fiercely Independent meets a dead end.
Shhh. Secret.

Status: It's Complicated

A month ago...Single.
Yesterday...It's complicated.
Today...It's very complicated.

"Relationships are trial and errors...if it's not really right, we forgive and we move on..."

"Are you willing to have a trial and error with me? Please give me a chance"

Bleaker...

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa yo. Hindi ko na alam kung hanggang saan pa ang kaya ko pag tiyagaan sa iyo. Napapagod na ako. Naguguluhan. Ayoko na.

Remember nung sinabi ko sa iyo na soft-hearted ako, oo. Pero pag nanawa ako..or napagod, kaya kong itapon ang isang tao, bagay or relationship without second thoughts...idagdag ko lang, without looking back...

And I want to close this book, end this cat-and-mouse game. Ayaw ko na, too much emtional trouble for nothing. Yung story natin is getting old. I want to be free of our ties to each other...
And so, with this final letter, I hope maging free ka na rin. Sorry kung ako unang umayaw sa game...hindi ko type yung walang rules eh.

-----------------

I was planning to send it WHEN and IF time comes...I had to prep myself first, of course.
But last night was THE END.

-----------------
After another round of "pikunan" about a trivial, yet sensitive issue, I finally said enough is enough. I'm tired of having to defend myself about that issue. If he wants to believe I'd stoop so low as to fall in love, even have delusions, with a married-and-still-on-the-loose man, then he doesn't know me at all, and is not deserving to be called a friend, let alone, my best friend.

I feel down and out. But that's the way things go, and if there's a glimmer of hope somewhere, I hope to be able to see it soon. As for now, the world looks bleak, but I know, like any other time before, I'll be resilient and bounce back...

I miss him, though. And I can't believe he'd go without so much as saying sorry for hurting my feelings. He accepted my word that I cannot forgive him, and that is that. No word from him. A friend told me that he told her it was fine because he's used to being alone anyways. And I feel sad because he just so easily forgot I was his friend. That I WAS THERE with him in his dark, desolate moments. A couple of nights back, he got drunk and was testing me (at 4 am!) "where the hell are my friends, where are you, at this exact minute"...and I told him, "I've always been here for you, but I don't think you see me for what I am"...

I've surrendered all these to the Lord, praying things work out for the best. I don't know what love is, how it really feels, and I am not so sure this is it. Today, the world spins slowly, dully, colorless and gray. Tomorrow, I know it'll be better. Just as it always has been for me...

Convoluted

My world went a-spinning last Monday night...and all because a man lost his marbles with a few bottles of beer.

I can't name names. But the gist of the story is:

Man # 1 (M1) went on vacation with GF, ended up fighting with her, and got thrown out of the room, without moolah. M1 called me for advice and whatever, cried his alcohol-soaked heart out, and pleaded for help.

My Boylet #1 (B1) texted, he has a headache. I asked him to rest and told him I'm trying to help out a friend, thinking B1 would be at least complacent. Boylet #2 also sent texts and I sent the same request.

B1 asked who the miserable soul was and got mad as hell on the loose when he learned it's M1. Previously, B1 thought I am flirting/dating M1. B1 thought M1 is just playing possum to get my sympathy, a well-known, oft-used ploy. We got into an argument, with me stressing that I am doing what I, as a Christian, am supposed to do. And stressed further that a few weeks back, when he, B1 was in the dumps, friends had thought he was playing games with me, but I ignored them and trusted him. B1 got as far as accusing me of being in love with M1, and that hurt the most.

Finally calming down, B1 realized how similar he and M1 were, and offered to help. But after a while, M1 got quiet and I began to realize how B1 could be right.

On the sideline, B2 said sorry for interfering, and thought that the reason B1 is mad at me is because of him (B2). He said he will give way for B1. I told him I can't handle all these for now...

I called M1 and lo! His GF answered and askd me if there was anything going on between me and her bf. Wha is this? A conspiracy? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Am I in Big Brother's house?

I told GF that, no, there's nothing between me and M1. After some discussion, I accused her of "ruining" whatever chance there is between me and B1. She apologized and I ask her to call and explain to B1 that I wasn't a victim of a prank by M1. She complied and I felt relieved. After a few minutes, GF called again and we talked like old friends...see how fate can be so twisted?

I felt bad about the whole thing...whether to forgive M1 or listen to his side first. I felt duped, and apologized to B1 about the whole mess. He said it was okay and not to cry and worry about it anymore.

I had thought the story would end there...

When a man gets drunk...

1. He speaks english...broken, carabao, mangled and promdi english.
2. He yakks and yakks about everything and nothing.
3. He doesn't make sense...even when he is already trying to explain.
4. He caterwauls. Wails like a baby.
5. He can't figure out his ass from his head.
6. He opens a lot of cans of worms, and be the first to run.
7. He tries to sound sensitive, and ends up being the biggest jerk on earth.