Galing sa friendster ko...

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to fix things up, of finding a reason to hold on, of making up excuses to forgive you.

And you seem so clueless to the turmoil there is. So distant and uncaring. I cannot believe your life is so devoid of color that you'd forget i exist. I can't believe that you're too busy to send even just one text. Has everything gone upside down in your world? Where does it leave me now? Outside the circle?

And I hate it. So I've decided to let it go. I've decided to just close my eyes and empty my mind of you, anything that has got to do with you. You've hurt me enough.

I'm tired of reassuring you. I wanted to tell you I will not leave you, even if I'd find more worthy guys...I wanted to tell you're not blocking me from reaching my dreams. I wanted to assure you I will stay. I wanted to tell you we'd overcome our fears together.

But where are you? You won't fight for me. You're just there. Wallowing in your miseries. Living in your silence. I don't even know you anymore. Gone is the man who told me we'd elope if things don't fall into place. Gone is the man who needed just a three-minute call to me before he could sleep. Gone is the man who promised to make me happy. Gone is the man who made me laugh. Gone is the man I chose to care for.

And I miss that man. That person. I loved that man.

I don't care if you read this. I know you won't...not while it's not yet too late. You simply don't care.

Guess what I heard from the radio??

Heart, Don't Change My Mind
(Diane Warren/Robbie Buchanan)

We said we'd try again
But trying's not enough
Acting like strangers
Ain't no way of making love
It's never gonna work
It's time we stop pretending
It's time to turn the page
All stories need an ending

It makes no sense to stay
Livin' my life in yesterday
I'm leaving, I'm leaving
And I'm begging you

Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart be strong this time and try
To help me tell him goodbye
It'll only bring pain for us to stay
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go

Don't let me think about
How good it was before
I know you'd try anything
To keep me from that door
It's hard to leave him
When you've loved him for so long now
How can I walk away
If you're still holding on now?
I've finally found the strength
Look at me, I can finally say
It's over, it's over
So, I'm begging you

Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart be strong this time and try
To help me tell him goodbye
It'll only bring pain for us to stay
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go

It makes no sense to stay
Sad that it has to end this way
It's over, it's over

Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart be strong this time and try
To help me tell him goodbye
It'll only bring pain for us to stay
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go
Heart, don't change my mind
Oh, heart it's hard for you I know
Let me, let him go
Let me, let him go

Not But

Sometimes it's

Not setting free but pushing away
Not Selflessness but insecurity
Not a promise but an attempt
Not love but need

And if we could just be honest with ourselves and with each other, we'd know what to do. It's been long in the making now, and maybe it's time to finally pick the card. We both know what it is. It's the only option there is. It's called goodbye.

What happened last night?

I dont want to talk about it anymore. I slept badly, angry at you and thumping my head for being such a fool; and I woke up remembering the anger still, which followed me in my dream. Even if you said it out of love, or tenderness, or selflessness, whatever its purpose was, you still cut me. So maybe instead of asking you why, I should have just said Hurrah and introduced you to your fears.

Status Quo

The fault, too, is mine, I admit.
I read too much on the silence.
But only because its author was unknown to me.

So he still is mine...or was he ever mine?
His thoughts are his alone
As his heart

Still nothing has to change
My decision stands
We are both free

Short

Save me from my self
Remove my misery
Dry away my tears
Erase my memory

-------------

He's gone. Just like that. Snap. And that's it.

Knock some sense into me

Hay naku. On Off. On Off.
If this was a light bulb, it would be burnt out by now.
I said I was moving on..and I would have except lately he's been calling...
But I just found out I'm not satisfied with his paltry efforts...we're running on his schedule, depending on his current state of well-being, depending on his emotions...
I'm tired of moving on and having to drag him as I do.

So now, I'm crossing my fingers and saying my prayers. God, give me the grace to move on and find peace for myself. So I can clear my heart. So it would be worthy enough to give to the one who really, truly loves me. So I won't feel guilty that I am still playing games with MAD and MSG. So I won't have to feel bad because he's always not around.

Just...I just want him to be honest. Give me at least that.

Bohol...(Belated Post)

May 17 - 20, 2007 with Tina, Ces, Lanie, Weng, Jing and Lanie's two kids, Zoie and Zach.
First day (PM na) - picture taking, beach side...
Second day (Whole day) - Country-side tour. Loboc Church, Blood Compact site, Chocolate Hills, Man Made Forest
Third day (Half day) - Dolphin watching and snorkeling at Balicasag Island
Fourt day (Half day) - Sun catching..desperately grabbing some more tan.

Question

Could it be he's read this blog??
Uh-oh.

The title should be..

THE RETURN OF THE COMEBACK.

Hahaha.

Uh-oh. Did I mention to him that I watched Ocean's 13? I don't think I did, but he mentioned a while ago that, like me, he's seen the movie,too. Uh Oh. Big time

WHEN THE CAT IS AWAY...

....he's not really on vacation, just spying around.

....the mouse is still hang-up and paranoid.

....where's the fun in that?

....nothing gets done.

....the mouse is bored.

....it's still all play for the mouse

....there are other cats.

Change of topic...

Last night, I dreamed of three distinct elements.

My friend Doc Weng, who's leaving for the USA tomorrow; Fire (which is my great paranoia), and a text message "basta text mo lang ako, kahit di ako magreply, alam mong masaya ako dun.

I've always been wary of MY dreams..Hmm. The Weng element is understandable. We're saying another goodbye (good for one year only, so she'd better hurry up and get back). The rest...hmmm. Food for thought.

La Lang. Last Song Syndrome...

SAISON ELLA MAE lyrics

Toothache Night

Boy#1: Mamaya kaya at 11:49pm..hehe. Advance happy monthsary...bka kasi wala na me load mamaya..heheh...mwaahhh! tc

Boy#2: Ipasa mo sa akin yang sakit mo. Naawa ako say. Magingat ka kasi. Lav u.

Boy#3: Hay naku, mag-asawa kana kasi. Hehe.

Boy#4: Missed call.

Ocean's Thirteen

Thanks to Mai, finally got to see the inside of a cinema again! My last film was The Prestige, starring my ex hubby, gorgeous Wolverine...er, Hugh Jackman, last November.

My mom asked me, as I lay fighting off consciousness, "Was is drama? Suspense? Action? Comedy?"

Drama? Harharhar. Suspense? Doubtful. Action? Well, ... Comedy? Slight. It's not horror, it's not Sci Fi either.

But I did enjoy the movie. Gave me some time-out from all that toxic thinking.

Badddd!

When I'm good, I'm too good.
When I'm bad, I'm definitely mean.

Four people have asked me if "He" is it...four times I said "NO".

I do know where to stick the knife to get maximum "ouch" effect. So I let him think that his worst fears about me are coming true. I don't like to hurt him, but I won't try to pacify him anymore. He's not a small kid, and if he needs a mother, it's not me.

I'm moving on.

OW! ANCHAKIT! (It Hurts!)

Back to the gym! Cardio-boxing. Endurance training. Weights. Abs. A little badminton.

Now I can't even pull up my pants without wincing. Combing my hair requires tremendous concentration so as to grip firmly a comb. Laughing is no joke.