Down and Out Ramblings

I would have thought we'd get the hang of it by now...we'd be pretty smooth-sailing. We'd be familiar with each other's eccentricities and quirks, learn how to cope...forgive and forget.

I'd forgotten men and women's brains operate on different frequencies...

And after enduring yet another "cold shoulder treatment" I closed my eyes and thought..is it going to be this way always?

I need him this time...where is he?

I am feeling ill, down and in need of a hug...where is he?

I was counting on his promises...
I was looking forward to the weekend...
I gave up my schedule to be with him...

Now I sit alone at home. Spent the whole morning nursing an aching head. Endured the prodding of nosy but well-meaning parents. Tried to forget the presence of my cell-phone.

Though we've cleared matters up a bit, I still feel compelled to distance myself from him and let him know how badly he has hurt my feelings, and how badly I want him to suffer for it now. I want to go back my usual way, as well...I've given up a lot of things for the sake of this "relationship" and I miss those things...chatting with faceless people (male or female, without malice or intent), meebo friends meet-up (male and female, without malice or intent again), window shopping at SM before going home...overnight gimik with friends...

I once thought I can still be me, even when with someone else...but a lot of compromises had to be made, and they weren't easy on someone with a complex personality and social life as me...

I wish I could keep things as simple as they used to be...I wish I could make him see that I am not someone he can leave behind and pick up whenever he feels up to it...That, I too, have my moments of desolation, confusion, pain, misery and grouchiness, and I need his comfort, too. That when he throws a tantrum, sometimes, I just get so full of it, I'd decide to match him mood for mood...and it's nothing personal. It's just the way I am.

Realizations

So we're slowly trudging forward..one foot at a time, trying to reach a destination we have no idea how far. Some days are hard, some...miraculously spent uneventful. We're happy just being together, at home eating banana cue and turon or oatmeal and bread, or sitting beside each other comfortably. Three days in a week are all we've got, and it's never enough.

We plan for the future..a wedding, a family. I share his pain when it attacks. I feel his desperation when he loses hope. I try to rub off on him my faith and my new-found patience. I am more like a mother and a bestfriend than his girlfriend, and it is okay. For someone younger than I am, he has seen and experienced more of the world than I ever would...than I even would like to see. We are so alike, and yet our pasts bear not much resemblance to each other.

It isn't all sunny or happy ever afters. Sometimes, I still do get that fear that we'd wake up and discover it's just a phase in life we all go through. Friends say don't rush, take your time, be sure. But nothing is ever sure, even if you've been in a relationship for a year or two or three or a decade. My own parents had a whirlwind romance - they met in March, got engaged in July and was wed in October.

I'm not rushing because of my age...but because I know where we're headed. It won't be such an easy sailing, but a rough ride. But hey....that's what makes life worth living.

What is love?

What is love?

Fr. Tootsie, during one of his talks on Christology, said that if it doesn't hurt, then it is not love.
I've always known this.

My German friend, Hinrich, however, once told me I'm too dramatic, and that love doesn't necessarily have to be painful. That if it is painful, then maybe it is a sign that one has to give up and look for a less emotionally challenging partner.

This sometimes bothers me.

I once told my friend Jed, after discussing and analyzing why Korean movies and telenovelas are so melodramatic (any of the following factors: sickness leading to death, amnesia, blindness, illicit affairs) that I'd rather experience all the pain if it would mean experiencing the love as well, rather than be safe and sound in my cozy pain-free world.

And guess what? Seems I got my wish.

It would have been easier if all we had to worry was money. Social and economic status were never of any importance to me. Besides, I know him well enough to believe he'll strive to be something more...Fate has simply given me more.

For others who had simplier, uncomplicated lives, love is easier to hold on to. Easier to define. Easier to say. For us who constanlty have to face adversities, love is both a gift and a reward. Everyday is a question of commitment and faith. Every moment is treasured. Every opportunites grabbed and made the most of.

I am thankful that, at least, all sides are supportive. My parents, sisters and the entire clan understand our situation. They do not hold it against him that I am more "priveledged" than he is. Even the community, who has kept a watchful eye on my lovelife, seems pretty pleased about my choice.

But the heavens are not as supportive. Yesterday, I had to watch him writhing in pain, glassy-eyed and worried. My family had to rush him to the hospital as pain relievers failed to work on him. I had to hold his hand as he was given medicines intravenously. I had look the other way as he heaved his breakfast onto a hospital container. I had to turn my back when I cried so he wouldn't see.

Sometimes, I'd storm heavens with my prayers. Why? Can't they lay off him, give him a chance. A clean slate? Isn't it enough that he had to suffer so much already? My prayers aren't for myself anymore, but for him. I've been given more than enough, and I am thankful. But Lord, if you're giving him to me, then give us the grace to work it out. Go easy on us...we deserve a chance...

Yesterday shook me up pretty bad. Amidst it all, we renewed our promise to stick together. It tested my patience and my capacity to bear his burden while working on my fears. I had my moments of doubts but I lifted them up to the Lord. I am well surprised that for someone like me, who cannot define what love is really supposed to be, and who had doubted it's existence, I have remained steadfast in my commitment.

People used to tell me that maybe I should take the cue and run as fast as I can. There are more than one fish in the ocean and I have my life ahead of me. There are no shortages of men where I am concerned, and it's not as if the single life is a bad option either. But I realized that pain would only make us stronger, that if at the first sign of trouble, I'd pack up and leave, then I'll be forever wandering. Gifts are not usually wrapped in gay paper. Treasures are often always found after a dangerous adventure, and diamonds need to be properly cut before they gain their worth.

Yes, there is love's splendor for those who have had an easier path to thread than we. But there is also joy in loving despite the pain. There is joy in knowing love means more than being together and holding hands in public. More than watching movies and stealing kisses when nobody's looking. It's more than the chemistry, the kilig, when you talk about him to your friends. I may not be able to really define love, but I know, am confident, that love is what I am feeling even when I just think of him.