Prayers, please

I'm asking for prayers. For my dad. For my mom. For my family.

There are so many things in my mind these days. Waking up with a stomach like I'm on a roller coaster has become normal for me. My daily trekk to the roofdeck has become a consolation, a way to calm myself. Working out at the gym until I have no breath to spare hasn't helped much...just emptied my mind for an hour.

Now, there's another threat looming. It's been at the back of my mind for some time now...and I wished it just stayed there. However, there is no ignoring it now, and it's a thread I cannot escape unscathed.

Thank You

I would have posted this last week, but I had too much mole-hills to climb....so...

I love my mom and my dad, and they love me, too. I have two adorable (even if sometimes, pasaway) sisters and a great brother in law. I have this family, though I've often been too busy and selfish to give them attention, we are still One Family. My parents love each other, through sickness and pain. And they understand us...Joblessness and messy lovelives, and all that.

I have wonderful friends, in and out of the office. Bosses that are always ready to hear my woes, and give advice as needed. Colleagues whose shoulders are ready for me. A circle of friends and confidantes, rather than a people to have lunch with.

I have generous and understanding friends who provide me with insights and cheer. Nevermind that the only thing we once had in common was F4. Never mind that we can only communicate via Internet, and see each other once in a blue moon. Now, our friendship transcends our fanaticism.

I have a shy admirer, who, even if I've rejected so many times, still tries his best to please me and tell me what a wonderful person I am.

And I have my God, who, although I've relegated Him to Church, is always giving me ANOTHER chance. I have His mother, interceding for me. I have the whole Heaven as my support group.

I may not have often felt grateful, but now, I want to thank them. To acknowledge that though it might look like my world is falling apart, these family and friends are my strength.

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least:
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee,--and then my state
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings'.
---Thanks Will!

Day 2

Day 2.

My style: Just like the old me, as if nothing's amiss.
His style: Deadma.

Later, as usual, he said he's thinking of me, and that he doesn't know why he's so different when I'm around. I told him what has been bothering me for a while, that it might be just due to fatigue and stress, or that he doesn't have anyone else to text.

Despite his denial that my words stung, I think they did hit a chord. He defended that even if
he's a mambobola, he's speaks the truth. Wait a minute, mambobolang honest??? Errr... somebody please hand this guy a dictionary!

Anyway, to add insult to injury, I told him that since I am a very transparent person, that what
people see is what they get, it's difficult for me to interact with people and I always get
disappointed. I haven't heard from him since, and it might take a while before we see each
other again because the things at the back of my mind has suddenly claimed centerstage.

My dad is now confined at the hospital because of pain in his right arm. Couldn't move and be
moved without flinching/screaming/groaning/crying. My exercise starting today will be worrying over dad [and mom] and going to the hospital.

MSG is asking a picture and requesting for a second "date". Gawd, how hard is it to
understand "We're just friends. FRIENDS. F-R-I-E-N-D-S!

My homework is still a foggy notion. I tried to write it last night, but all I could think of was this
silly situation I am in.

My Korean adventure was called off because of travel arrangement problems. Might have to
postpone for May...

MD (mentally deficient) the cat has been missing for several days.

I've lost my appetite...Can't eat much, and when I try to, I feel as though I will be sick.

I've been losing sleep. I toss and turn, can't sleep at night, and it's worrying me (..la la please don't ask me...). Usually, I fall into deep slumber when my back hits the bed, but lately, I lie there, with this feeling in my tummy, like there's a butterly farm inside...

I'm not losing weight...just a bit hope.

Night for Surprises

So the game began last night, and I must say, I'm leading by several points. =)

Actually, I wasn't expecting to start the game yesterday, since he wouldn't be around until today, or so I thought. But he was there yesterday, and it might as well be, since I've also agreed to let the MSG fetch me and take me home. Hitting two birds with one stone! He he he, evil me*

Anyway, I tried to ignore him, but he was AROUND quite a lot. He was outside knocking on the window as I did *my thing*, asked me to wait for him before I continue (which I ignored since I was rushing) and when I finished, gave me a *treat*. All in all, I did considerably well in the "acting cool" event.

The MSG is an altogether different matter. I forced myself to endure the smog of Metro Manila because I feared his allowance won't afford our FX fares (matapobre to the max!). I tried to have supersonic ears so I could hear his voice above the cacophony of street noise. I tried to be interested in what he was saying because I couldn't bring myself to talk about MY job and my life, because he might not get it (now, para na talaga akong bitch!). In the end, he thought I was super nice. He even tried to take pictures of me...while crossing the street, while waiting for the jeep etc. etc. Joke ko nga...gusto mo ng autograph???

So there. No matter what I do, it doesn't seem to lessen his idea of me as the ultimate Nice Girl On the Block.

PS: I just recently realized, they have the same first name! I was laughing hard last night, shaking my head at Fate's most recent joke.

Breaking Hearts

Friends are telling me to give him the benefit of the doubt. And last night's post-game/gym serious discussion with a colleague and friend Heartbreaker (hehehe!!) cleared up some muddied perceptions.

True to form, I am still as stubborn. But talking with a guy who's "been there, done that" made me realize maybe I'm just over-analyzing things, judging him for a wrongdoing he actually hasn't committed yet. That maybe, as Heartbreaker said, he has no intention of hurting me, nor playing with my feelings. That his confusion came at the wrong time...or that maybe I came at the wrong time.

Someone told me (and confirmed my suspicions) what happened. And while I remained a bit hurt, my heart sympathized (oh no, this is where resolves often melt!) with him. I may not have experienced what he's going through, but I do know the pain of losing someone one loves. So, since I want to be true to my "friendship" oath, I texted him an inspiring message (funny enough, from the other guy, MSG, hahaha!). He didn't reply...But hours later, I saw one missed call notice on my mobile. Talk about misfortunes. Maybe that's just fate's way of saying she was just playing with us...

Now, this is the funny part. When fate takes away your favorite ball, she distracts you with another toy. In this case, two toys. The other one...I'll chalk it up to a friendly lunch date and the other, an old story that should be having an ever after, even if it's not a HAPPY one.

MSG has told me several days ago that he'll be returning to his province next month and would stay there to do the farming and taking care of his sick father. He'll be applying for work abroad next year. So I bid him goodluck and goodbye. Then he asked (begged?) for me to let him fetch me at work and take me home. Just once. So okay, para lang matapos na.

I could name the date and time...and later tonight, I'm worried that I can't let him take me HOME, as in up to our house. There are still bounderies I'm not willing to cross. I hope this would not make him think I'm considering him...I've made myself pretty clear on several occassions. But if tonight really merits it, it might be the night somebody's heart gets broken...and it won't be mine.

Ang Restbak ni Flame (Flame's Vengeance!)

The game has taken on a new turn. I'm still unsure of what the other side is up to, but the game is officially on, and the battlefield is open. Pre-game exercises has proven both parties can handle the strain, and both are seemily willing to take risks...There are no rules, just that you take as much as you give and give as good as you get.

The ball in now on my field. Just because the Flame seems inviting doesn't mean one can play with it. No one plays with fire and come out unscathed. Now it's time to call on the forces...Justice League again? Nope. Just me and my uncanny sense of sweet revenge.

Nope, he hasn't done me anything wrong - yet. But I think he's not what he seems, and my natural self wishes to play a bit.

I discovered last night that this has happened so many times before...whenever I feel that my precious heart is threatened, or on the brink of falling when I am still unsure. The easiest way to get out of it is to take your emotions and your heart out of the ring, safe and sound, away from danger. If you lose, you walk away with just a little of your pride torn, but none the worse for wear. If you win, there isn't much to it, anyway.

I don't want to feel guilty (although writing this, I'm beginning to get bothered). He seems sincere enough, but recent turn of events and a conversation with a mutual friend has put to light some questionable areas. Nobody can say if he's lying or playing, but for sure he's not putting all his cards on the table, when mine were laid out beforehand. Now, it's my turn to call the bluff. There's no conclusion to be made, just more questions to bother me. But surprisingly, as I decided on my next course of action, I slept well last night.

I do feel guilty about MSG, though, and that's why I refuse to even consider him a worthy opponent. He's as transparent as a clear window, and as vulnerable as my old self. He's just about one of the few people who trusted me with their feelings despite my cold, heartless ways.

So now, what to do? If the *signs* are given, then it's all go.

Phase II...Anxiety Attack

Advices from the Dr. Love(s):

Take it one day at a time.
Don't assume anything.
Just enjoy the moment.

I am definitely on tiptoes.
*Kilig*
Toink, toink, toink.

Can't even think straight.
Sleepless, but surprisily perky this morning.
No coffee, thanks. I can manage.

I am still scared. Hell, it's Phase II of my roller coaster emotions. I hope I don't get weary of the feelings before the game is over...

Breathe in...and out....In....and out...In... and out.

Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve...

Confused. Again. For the nth time.
I'm again before a quicksand with my desires just across...

I hope it's not history repeating itself.
It's become so redundant

I want to give my heart a rest -
But also a chance

It's too early to tell
But shouldn't we all grab at that once-in-a-lifetime
Though we're never sure if it really is the one?

I can't take a backseat and wait
Knowing that my happiness, however fleeting,
Is at stake

Sad Goodbyes

Randy is leaving today for the US. We won't be seeing each other for a long long long time. *sob sob sob*. I'm happy for him, because this is dream come true for him. But he surely is a loss to our community. His passion for service, his dedication and his "elderly" advice would surely be missed.

Saying goodbyes are not my forte. It's funny. Even in my youth, when dad was working abroad, my sisters would be crying a river at the airport, saying goodbye to dad. While I had this funny feeling in my tummy, wondering why they were crying so when it's just a temporary goodbye and we'll be seeing each other again. I'd often ask myself if my heart is made of tougher material than stone since I feel numb during partings. It's like some part of me rejects the idea of sad goodbyes...I am more easily moved to tears when play-acting in front of a mirror than saying goodbye in person.

Or perhaps, that's just self-defense kicking in. Mebbe.

So farewell, my friend. It's a cliche to say, but I'll truly miss you. I thank you for the friendship, even if at times we hurt each other. I'll miss your sermons, yes kahit na nakakatulugan ko yan sa phone.

If there are goodbyes, there are hellos. One good smile to start the day. =) Can't tell much about it yet, baka maudlot.

Windang Pa Rin

I'm still crazily spinning in my own spot. *Sigh*

Mondays and Wednesdays, I've committed myself to following a rigorous, [parusa] training program that aims to reduce my body fat and make me a total goddess. Hahaha. As if! It is really an agony, but which my body craves (mala masochist). I truly missed dieting and work-out sessions.

I started my training program under McB (Macbeth? Macabebe? His name is "funnier" than mine) and when he asked me if I was up to it, I told him "I'd curse you, cry and beg you for mercy but that's just me loving it." My Day 1 sched consists of cardio (I have to burn 300 cals first) then stretching, then weights then abdominals. My body is still screaming bloody hell everytime I use my arms. My abs and thighs are stronger than the rest of my body and I can run for miles and do 300 crunches without next-day-litanies.

Anyway, being a newbie at the gym, I'm still making chikka with the trainors. Imagine my surprise when McB told me he tried calling me up, and when he gave the operator my name (the first two - thinking the other was my surname) , the operator told him "Sir, ****** na sya ngayon". He thought I got married over the course of two days.

Aside from exercise, the brouhaha for the week was our MMPA class...specifically, our newly elected Prez, Madame Garbage Collector. To explain the name: She called some of our classmates (her groupmates) "basura" (garbage) during one class open forum (which I missed because of badminton with Randy, Paul and Miong). In that same forum, Madame Garbage Collector (MGC) or MMDA or Garbage Mouth was voted Class President - the irony of it all - for poetic justice. I don't know what my classmates were thinking, but MGC now goes around feeling like she has this crown on her head and we must all curtsy in her august presence. Duh.

Today, Jed and I went on leave to submit our documents to get our Korean visa. Despite the moolah indicated in my bank certificates, I'm kinda worried because the girl in the window returned a copy of my ITR without so much as a word. It just dawned on me that she returned some of Jed's documents because they were photocopies. Eeeehhhh! I hope they call me to tell me if I need to present another document rather than stamping REJECTED all over my dreams.

I'm still discerning (well, trying to) if I should push through with the trip even if it means being away on Holy Week and missing Easter Sunday. I have guilty feelings about this, so I asked the Lord if He wasnt me to go or not. Well, I'd definitely push through if I get my visa, but if the Lord wants me to postpone it for a later date, I'm willing.

Also, Jed would be going to HongKong on official trip on the 11th and 12th of April, so our April 11-15 plans are going to have a slight change. I'm planning to go to HK as well, so we could still go to Korea together...

So what else...teedeedum. Oh yeah. MSG. So far, still there. The current apple of the eye is now Piolo, who looks too good even when sightless, on prime time TV.

Dahil matagal na di nakapag blog...

Since my blogging has been reduced to a weekly task..hmm, what have I been up to these past few days?

February 24 - served during LSS Batch 33. Was able to join the rest of the dancers in a new choreo of I Love to be in Your Presence. Missed dancing.

February 25 - No classes. Now, this was a big issue on Friday, since the "class consensus" about cancelling class didn't actually happen. I got pretty irked at some not so nice classmates who couldn't bring themselves to admit that they are not ready for their class reports that's why they wanted to cancel class - gamitin pang excuse ang P1017. Hmmmppphhh! Anyway, this gave me an opportunity to serve Saturday at the LSS. Wala naman ginawa, actually, since I had already begged off previously. So I sat lazy the whole day, except after lunch, when some of us had to lead in the action songs.

February 26 - VERY MEMORABLE DAY??? hmmm. LSS was LSS. Randy, Iyos, Paul and I agreed to watch Close to You (in support of Paul who is Sam Milby-lbil in real life). Randy invited everyone he could, and yes, even Mr. Shy Guy. Made a bet with Uncle Randy that MSG would not dare go, but surprisingly, after a lot of persuation from Randy, he did tagged along. Con and Marc and Paul's sis, Camille tagged along, too. Can't remember much what else happened, but MSG and I were the center of the ribbings...of course. Inside the theatre, I made it a point to sit in a neutral place...nearest the aisle, beside Iyos. Haha.

Randy insisted MSG would accompany me home, but I just shrugged it off. He lives the opposite way and probably doesn't have enough money for fare (masyado na ba akong matapobre???) But well, since none of my predictions for that day was accurate, when I boarded a jeep, he jumped in as well.

If you're going to ask what we talked about...the following pretty much sums it up:

Me: Wag mo na akong ihatid...wag ka magpabuyo sa kanila.
MSG:
Me: Ano?
MSG:
Me: Takot ka ba sa amin? Makukulet lang kami? Di ka kasi nagsasalita...
MSG:
Me: Ano???

The whole trip was an echo of Ano? If ever he spoke, I couldn't hear him above the din of street, human and vehicle noise. After a while, we just sat there in silence. When we got off at Welcome, I told him I could take care f myself from there...He backed off and I merrily hopped in another jeep.

If I had hoped that my natural "antipatika", loud and snobbish ways would turn him off, was I in for a surprise! The next day (and to this day) he professes to really admire me...that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met (well, I couldn't agree more...hahaha!)...that he wish we could go out, just the two of us, that he doesn't expect anything since he knows we're worlds apart. He has asked for my land line, but I pretended not to have received the text. I replied to one of his SMS: A friend is a treasure. Gud PM.

His take on it? So hanggang friends na lang tayo??? Blah blah, but that he'll continue to treasure me blah blah.

While it gives me a warm feeling to be admired, I really feel guilty that I cannot even treat him as a good friend. Knowing that he has feelings for me makes it a little awkward for me to be around him. Uncle has been insisting I date the poor lad, if only out of respect for his feelings. Uncle has also suggested I give my landline and let the guy court me at home, meet my parents and all. He even has the entire story scripted...o di ba? Just to end with "break it to him gently"...

THERE IS NO BREAKING IT GENTLY. Broken is broken, there is no gentle way of doing it.

What I can do is be nice to him. There is no harm in what he's doing, and though I feel slightly guilty that I might be leading him on, I sometimes try to be friendly. I've been in his shoes...and I never want to be in it again.