Playing Field

Lately, my thoughts have been broken, rambling and incomplete, and they mirror so much of the struggles inside me that I've yet to pay attention to. Life has been messy lately. I live day-by-day, without plans save for the coming comprehensive exams. I drift from one activity to another, hours eclipsing the previous.

So much has happened. The return of a long-lost friend that brought back a lot of baggages that I thought I've discarded. I've moved on, but for friendship's sake, I want to be there for her now that she's needing a friend the most.

A tempest has come. A man I can never, should never look at, yet drawn to like moth to a fire. Wait. I am fire. I burn brighter with a little gale of wind.

A date turned out the way I know it would, and the way I hoped it would not. A disaster of sorts. I've discovered that dating men is just crossing out names from a list. I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm definitely scratching out the last disaster from my list. I'm not holding my breath for this fool, if he's still so hung up on someone else.

I've told MFXD never to send me text messeges again. I won't answer them anymore. I have now joined a carpool in the morning, removing the possibility of chance encounters.

Faceparty account quiet again. I included a note in my profile for perverts to leave me alone. Hahahaha. Well, not really quiet. I get a handful of letters once in a while asking me to go to England, all expense paid, for a meet-up. In MySpace, a German widower asked me (twice) to marry him, in exchange for all his earthly goods and possessions, and yes, even a position in his IT firm. I replied with an itemized assets and liabilities. Shut him up quiet nicely.

Sigh. This playing field is not really my turf.

* can you blame me for being selfish
when i take my happiness wherever,
whenever i can get
stealing chances for all they are worth

is it such a sin to wish for something
more than justa passing fancy
when all you've had were toys easily broken

And frustrations pile up like forgotten letters
Torn pages of a diary yellowed with time and tears
Happiness is not an opportunity that knocks on your door
It doesn't come uninvited, bringing cheers and ally
ou've got to play the part of the gracious host
when all you have in your party is you and a mirror

A little nostalgia

I stopped at my tracks....Life has been going too fast for me to catch up. And I wonder, where did all my time go?

I'm too young for mid-life crisis and too old for teenage depression. So where am I exactly?

Haha. I'm not blue and suicidal, mind you. That is sooo highschool-ish. Speaking og high school, Theresians had a grand homecoming last night. Lanie, Jing, Abi and Ces opted to go, while Tina, Siena and I decided to hang out with each other instead. I had better things to do than look for old classmates that won't even recognize me...or if they did, won't talk to me at all. I enjoyed high school, honestly, but only because it was my time of blossoming. I cared nothing for other people save for my small circle of friends...

But now that it's been more than 1o years...the memories are lost with age. I've moved on, am not anymore the awkward poet with the curly hair.

I've had many realizations, and revelations:

1. Not all feelings are the same, they don't belong to categories, they vary in levels and strength.

2. Feeling for someone my own sex doesn't make me a lesbian.

3. We are all needy when we are young. Some of us grow to become mothers, some to become lovers. And some remain needy children.

4. We don't have any way of knowing how we'll turn out to be ten years from now. No matter what cards life deals us, it's still gut feel how we'll play it.

5. The best gift of school is not the education. You can seriously get by without learning at all. But the best gift is the gift of friends.

6. I still am a sentimental fool. =)

Crossroads

My nerves were a bit over-wrought yesterday. But I think, soon I'm gonna be fine.
Time has decided I hava moved on and now free of THAT emotional bondage. However, yesterday's jitters made me doubt if I really had put all the past behind.

There I was, composing odd lines on the ride home. I was humming melodies from old songs. And the odd, yet familiar stirrings of emotion were there. I had thought poetry, my poetry, had died the day we hang up the phone. From then on, the only thoughts on my paper were meaningless phrases of an emotinal blackout.

But the expected chimes did not ring. There was no more magic, no more fluttering in my heart. And for a while I had felt empty. It had filled me for so many years, and now, I suddenly discovered it was gone. The memories remain just images in my mind, sans the sounds and colors that had chained me for so long.

I am free.

My words ring true, to my ears this time...When Time has decided you have disposed of the burden of yesterday, Fate will allow you to cross paths once again.

Everything Moves in A Circle

everything moves in a circle in this life
who would have thought we'd find each other again after all those years
and now that we're both at the same space and time
nothing has changed
as if those seventeen years did not happen
in my mind's eyes i still see you
the way you were when we parted
we said goodbye but i knew then
everything moves in a circle in this life

look at us, how we've changed
the lives we live are different from our dreams of youth
if i'd known then how we'd turn out now
i would have frozen time and held it tightly in my grasp
i lived in fear of losing you
knowing how empty my cup of life would be
but then
everything moves in a circle in this life

i had dreamed of this
known of this in the subtle promise of yesterday
that one day all promises would be fulfilled
because
everything moves in a circle in this life

The cat and mouse

Am I the cat or the mouse? On one hand, I feel like I am the one in power, playing the game, hiding, dodging Fate's silly games.

But why do I get the feeling I'm being followed, preyed upon, my safety under threat? I want to leave the past behind, I have said all I have said, explained my decision for the nth time. I have made it final and known. I have forgiven, but does that mean I am willing to forget?

It is tiring, to have to watch my back for shadows. It is exhausting to have to resort to hide-and-seek.

I am only playing fair. I cannot give as much as he's willing to give to me, and though he hasn't asked for anything- nay, willing to not even receive any at all from me- I am not so selfish as to rub the insult in.

I'm giving him his freedom, why won't he take it and give me mine?

Black Hole

It was a mistake to begin with.

Like jumping into a hole, knowing full well that there's nothing but darkness. Yet, filled with ennui at what could be there.

And now that the hole proved empty - a ruse, a trap - why do I still get that feeling that I'd willingly jump into it another time?

It's just as well that I emerged for now, unscathed.

Fate said...

I'm not the only one with prayers.I'm not the only one who deserves to be happy.I'm not the only one whose wishes deserve to be granted.

Even at my expense.

I had been successfully eluding the ever famous MFXD...I hide behind jeeps, I board the first FX I encounter, and I avoid any routines of sort.

This morning, I wasn't quite successful.

To top it all off, I left my hankie.

He was so happy he kept thankinge me. He said this was his lucky day. And that his FX is his lucky vehicle. And he asked to keep my hanky. My my my. I was seriously glad, though, that I hadn't had the chance to blow on it yet.

When Fate plays a joke, you end up the butt of it.

For the Longest Time

I'm in a lull right now, having spent a considerable amount of time listening to our Tuesday rehearsal of For the Longest Time....now, it's the song in my head. I still don't know the melody yet since I'm alto, but I just love the lyrics

For the Longest Time

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know the happiness goes on
That's where you found me, when you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you'll feel so right and I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far and it's more than I hope for

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you and how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself, Hold on to my heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far, it's more than I hope for

I don't care what the consequences bring
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad I think you ought to know that
I have been there for the longest time

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances I've forgot how nice romance is
That hasn't happened for the longest time

--

I'm not singing this song for any particular person, but the words ring true and familiar. My sentiments, exactly, though it really has been a long time since I fell in love.

You

I've always thought of you as a friend...so why did it hurt when I learned about her? Somewhere at the back of my mind, there must have been thoughts of you, ideas of us...a wish, a hope, a dream.

Too long the strip of road we've walked together, but never, now I remember, holding hands. I chose to maintain distance, even as I longed for warmth, because I thought it was but appropriate.

Too many the memories we've shared...but only mine, I guess, not yours. I kept them, close to my heart, even now I realize you've discarded them to a distant past.

So why now this reminiscing? Nothing but all the hypotheses in the world. I cannot cry, I cannot shout, I cannot complain. I should be happy for you, for her, for ME. But somewhere, lost in this forest of emotions, I wander.

Men = Self-Esteem???

A friend remarked last week, upon hearing of the surprising developments in my usually uneventful lovelife...

"Four men! It must uplift your self-esteem..."

No, friend. It does not. No man, one man or four will affect my self-esteem...well, not overly. It is quite flattering, of course, to have men seemingly under your spell, until you come to realize how superficial your relationships are with them. How fragile their concept of you is. And that you know almost nil about them. Trust a guy to equate self-esteem with the number of men knocking on your door. If they were all Brad Pitt look-a-like, hmmm, my self-esteem might eventually get a lift. As for now...

Lately, my faceparty account has been buzzing with messages. It seems that Lady Love really has decided it's time to pay some attention on me. However, She's having quite the time of her life sending me the wrong men. No, I'm not interested in 50 something men with their own firms, divorced with two grown up kids almost my age. No, I don't appreciate you describing how you'll adore me. And no, I don't like perverts, thank you very much.

The only sensible letters I've received were a handful. And thank you all for complimenting my eyes. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep them wide open while reading your mails.

Anyways, I'm not about to complain, though I keep repeating the same old line...I seem to be a "dukha" and "dugyot" magnet. Maybe I look like Moses, who will lead the slaves to the land of milk and honey. Fat chance.

Don't Let Friendship Turn to Hate

I hate what I had to resort to...

Hiding like a criminal being chased by the law

Taking a chance on another route

Just to avoid being with him

This is not good. So totally unlike me. I hate pretensions. I hate lying. And most of all, I hate having to hurt anyone's feelings. But I have to, if only to shake myself loose from his imagination. I have to, if only to free him from his fantasies. It is not me he loves. It is his idea of me.

Just like how the others have fallen. Not for me, but for what I seem to be. They don't know me. How could they, when the most I have with them are empty conversations that's not even a breadth of my thoughts? How could they when they don't even see me, what I am, what I could be, but only a reflection of their ideal girl. It's all just the icing. Underneath, I am a far cry from their guardian angel they want me to be. I'm a woman, a warrior, not some defenseless babe waiting for a knight to sweep her off her feet. And I'm more than just my laughter, the bubble world I live in.

I could be inviting, but I'm not always all warmth.

I'm not fire for nothing.

Why I Love UNLIMITXT

Send as many as you want to as many (Globe) friends as you want until your subscription expires..of course, I still have to search out cute, funny and read-worthy SMS to forward to friends. But having UNLIMITXT allowed me to "spend" more on old friends...catch up with long-lost colleagues and say hello to all those I haven't seen for a while. And of course, exchange long banter with fellow text addicts. All these without sighing over the 1 peso per text message (which adds up to a lot...eventually). Over the past months, I've been scrimping my pre-paid load, unaware that the bulk of my cellphone expenses goes to (meaningless) chatter. Ola, UNLI is the answer! (And of course, at home, when I'm online, chikkatext helps with the non-Globe recipients).

So, to all my fellow Globies...UNLI na! Haha. Sorry too, if you're tired of getting them pesky messages...

News from Korea

Congratulations, Julia!!!

*In chingu Louise's latest letter, she mentioned that Julia is on maternity leave...so that would mean...hejhej. Counting backwards, it would mean that Julia was already "expecting" when Jed and I went to Korea in May 2006. =)

What I Spent Money On In 2006

Aside from travel to Korea, food and shirts...



Seven shoes in a span of 3 months...no wonder am a little broke...

New Year, New Dear...

Goodbye to the old...on with the new. All of the sake of having MMS settings, which my old K700i is having problems with.

Still fantasizing about:

• HP iPAQ
• New Laptop (Fujitsu lifeseries...)
• A/T Toyota Vios/Altis
• My mansion complete with Swimming Pool, Library/Recreation Room, Well-equipped kitchen and Music Room

Oh well...I can dream, can't I?

The Year That Was...2006 in Retrospect

Well, well. It's officially 2007! HAPPY NEW YEAR, y'all.

Let's see.

January. Well, of course, it was boring boring. I think after the frenzy of Christmas, January must seem like a sleepy month.

February. The Love Month. Still single. Yep. But at least I got a couple of "Happy Valentine's Day" from boys. Duh.

March. Dad's "mystery" illness became evident. Cannot use right arm. Pain standing up for long times. Can't sleep. As an escape route, I started to go to the gym again. Flirted for a while with Franzen-look-a-like trainor. Double Duh.

April. Plans to travel to Korea postponed. Dad was hospitalized, operated on and suspected to have lung cancer. Terminal stage. We were blessed to have our SGS community who provided us with backbone - the strength to continue praying, hoping and believing. Mr. Shy Guy continued to be the all-day, all-night text companion. Though I don't really think of him in a romantic way, I was thankful for such wonderful "friend" who's text messages kept me smiling.

May. A, luck started to turn around. Dad was diagnosed to have multiple myeloma. Though a bit similar to bone cancer, it is easier to treat. Could breathe easier now, thanks a lot. Scheduled trip to Seoul, Korea pushed through. Had the time of our lives. Met interesting dorm-mates. Got a proposal from a strange guy. Duh, duh and duh.

June. Dad's health improving. My crying bouts at the office stopped and everything turned hopeful as we await the arrival of my first niece.

July. Marygwen Hermione O. Nalzaro was born on July 2. Just as Manny Pacman Pacquia0 was making mush of Erik Morales. Har har har.

August. Got my driver's license! Can finally drive. Except that I don't own a car. Dad still drives and after proving my skill (or the lack of it) , dad decided he'd live longer if he drove the car himself.

September. Uh, was this the month Searchee Number 2 announced his first intention to court me? I think...

October. Mr. FX Driver enters the scene. Friendly at first...Though he's genuinely friendly and sincere, the fact that he's makulet scares me.

November. Fontana trip for Myke's despedida de soltera.

December. My birth month. My shining month. This must be the only time in the year that all forces contrive to make me very very happy, ecstatic, proud and immodest. Got three men all declaring their undying love. The Searchee Number 2 goes for the Second Round. With the same result. MFXDriver couldn't contain his bursting heart and got snubbed. The guy labeled "Ignore" in my cellphone, told me he'd waited 7 long years to tell me of his feelings. That he waited till he finally got a hold of his life, found his direction, so he could offer me something. That he wants to be stable first, then propose marriage. ODD. Because he's never met me. He's met the IDEA of me when a friend told him about me, gave him my number and we SMSed each other over the years. Harmless, platonic text messages.

Most of the time, I had allergies. Sneezing every morning. Watery eyes, clogged nose. I have a sense of smell only a few days a year.

My year was a blur, as always. But what a blur. I think I'm finally LIVING it...I also achieved my "When I turn 30" goals...though I still have to complete my masters degree...and get myself a decent, respectable, mature man.

This year, I vow to:

1. Travel, travel, and more travel.
2. Read more often.
3. Learn Korean. Formally. So I can speak it. And comprehend it. Not just read it.
4. Get rid of the "useless" junk in my room.
5. Be more generous. Give to charity. Support an NGO, not just give monetary donations.
6. Diet. Diet. Not just staying slim, but making sure I'm healthy and fit.
7. Less splurges on shoes. In 2006, I must have bought over a dozen shoes. That's like one pair a month. *Cross my fingers I'll be able to keep this one
8. Make friends. Be more cheerful and open.
9. Bake more often.
10. Date more often. He he he.