What is love?

What is love?

Fr. Tootsie, during one of his talks on Christology, said that if it doesn't hurt, then it is not love.
I've always known this.

My German friend, Hinrich, however, once told me I'm too dramatic, and that love doesn't necessarily have to be painful. That if it is painful, then maybe it is a sign that one has to give up and look for a less emotionally challenging partner.

This sometimes bothers me.

I once told my friend Jed, after discussing and analyzing why Korean movies and telenovelas are so melodramatic (any of the following factors: sickness leading to death, amnesia, blindness, illicit affairs) that I'd rather experience all the pain if it would mean experiencing the love as well, rather than be safe and sound in my cozy pain-free world.

And guess what? Seems I got my wish.

It would have been easier if all we had to worry was money. Social and economic status were never of any importance to me. Besides, I know him well enough to believe he'll strive to be something more...Fate has simply given me more.

For others who had simplier, uncomplicated lives, love is easier to hold on to. Easier to define. Easier to say. For us who constanlty have to face adversities, love is both a gift and a reward. Everyday is a question of commitment and faith. Every moment is treasured. Every opportunites grabbed and made the most of.

I am thankful that, at least, all sides are supportive. My parents, sisters and the entire clan understand our situation. They do not hold it against him that I am more "priveledged" than he is. Even the community, who has kept a watchful eye on my lovelife, seems pretty pleased about my choice.

But the heavens are not as supportive. Yesterday, I had to watch him writhing in pain, glassy-eyed and worried. My family had to rush him to the hospital as pain relievers failed to work on him. I had to hold his hand as he was given medicines intravenously. I had look the other way as he heaved his breakfast onto a hospital container. I had to turn my back when I cried so he wouldn't see.

Sometimes, I'd storm heavens with my prayers. Why? Can't they lay off him, give him a chance. A clean slate? Isn't it enough that he had to suffer so much already? My prayers aren't for myself anymore, but for him. I've been given more than enough, and I am thankful. But Lord, if you're giving him to me, then give us the grace to work it out. Go easy on us...we deserve a chance...

Yesterday shook me up pretty bad. Amidst it all, we renewed our promise to stick together. It tested my patience and my capacity to bear his burden while working on my fears. I had my moments of doubts but I lifted them up to the Lord. I am well surprised that for someone like me, who cannot define what love is really supposed to be, and who had doubted it's existence, I have remained steadfast in my commitment.

People used to tell me that maybe I should take the cue and run as fast as I can. There are more than one fish in the ocean and I have my life ahead of me. There are no shortages of men where I am concerned, and it's not as if the single life is a bad option either. But I realized that pain would only make us stronger, that if at the first sign of trouble, I'd pack up and leave, then I'll be forever wandering. Gifts are not usually wrapped in gay paper. Treasures are often always found after a dangerous adventure, and diamonds need to be properly cut before they gain their worth.

Yes, there is love's splendor for those who have had an easier path to thread than we. But there is also joy in loving despite the pain. There is joy in knowing love means more than being together and holding hands in public. More than watching movies and stealing kisses when nobody's looking. It's more than the chemistry, the kilig, when you talk about him to your friends. I may not be able to really define love, but I know, am confident, that love is what I am feeling even when I just think of him.