Bleaker...

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa yo. Hindi ko na alam kung hanggang saan pa ang kaya ko pag tiyagaan sa iyo. Napapagod na ako. Naguguluhan. Ayoko na.

Remember nung sinabi ko sa iyo na soft-hearted ako, oo. Pero pag nanawa ako..or napagod, kaya kong itapon ang isang tao, bagay or relationship without second thoughts...idagdag ko lang, without looking back...

And I want to close this book, end this cat-and-mouse game. Ayaw ko na, too much emtional trouble for nothing. Yung story natin is getting old. I want to be free of our ties to each other...
And so, with this final letter, I hope maging free ka na rin. Sorry kung ako unang umayaw sa game...hindi ko type yung walang rules eh.

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I was planning to send it WHEN and IF time comes...I had to prep myself first, of course.
But last night was THE END.

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After another round of "pikunan" about a trivial, yet sensitive issue, I finally said enough is enough. I'm tired of having to defend myself about that issue. If he wants to believe I'd stoop so low as to fall in love, even have delusions, with a married-and-still-on-the-loose man, then he doesn't know me at all, and is not deserving to be called a friend, let alone, my best friend.

I feel down and out. But that's the way things go, and if there's a glimmer of hope somewhere, I hope to be able to see it soon. As for now, the world looks bleak, but I know, like any other time before, I'll be resilient and bounce back...

I miss him, though. And I can't believe he'd go without so much as saying sorry for hurting my feelings. He accepted my word that I cannot forgive him, and that is that. No word from him. A friend told me that he told her it was fine because he's used to being alone anyways. And I feel sad because he just so easily forgot I was his friend. That I WAS THERE with him in his dark, desolate moments. A couple of nights back, he got drunk and was testing me (at 4 am!) "where the hell are my friends, where are you, at this exact minute"...and I told him, "I've always been here for you, but I don't think you see me for what I am"...

I've surrendered all these to the Lord, praying things work out for the best. I don't know what love is, how it really feels, and I am not so sure this is it. Today, the world spins slowly, dully, colorless and gray. Tomorrow, I know it'll be better. Just as it always has been for me...