And so the misery continues

The wheels keep on turning, and I ought to be castigated for not living up to the promises I made to myself.

Yes, I am still as engrossed in the mess as I was before. But now, with eyes both open. I have no expectations now, know only that there is not much future to be had with this man. I have seen his weaknesses, and embraced him nonetheless. I have felt the bitter lash of his egocentricity, yet, I hold out for more...Is this the way I want to continue with my love?...Is this really love, or just my need to mother someone who's weak and needy?

I look at the other side of the road and see the men who'd fish the night skies for stars at my meerest suggestion. I see them hold out for more of the crumbs I toss at them...is this my karma? Do they feel the same hopelessness and sadness I feel?

If only I can force my heart to look the other way...Across the road. To where better men stand and wait...

Where do I go? Some of my friends tell me to follow my heart...but I see there's only a dead end there. Most of my married friends advised me to use my head, choose the man who would love me completely, totally, unselfishly...even if I don't love them as much. A woman's heart is easily won with tenderness, love and good deeds. A man who is not committed to you is not as easily won by the same amount of TLC.

But I don't believe in settling for less. I don't believe in grabbing any opportunity, just because they are opportunity. I don't want to open every gaily-wrapped package.

Eventually, I know I need to give him up. Whatever lies in the near future for us, even if romance blooms, I know it will not last. Perhaps, this is my way of excusing myself from commitment, but I can see, he is not the man who would make me happy. His faults, the same ones I willingly overlook now, will be my undoing. Eventually, I would not be able to stand being just someone who's there. Eventually, I would learn to value again my pride. Evenytually, I will find that I need freedom more than I need to be a mother, a friend, his salvation army. Who knows, eventually, he will heal and I may need to find another miserable soul to nurse.