After bouncing back from the pride-shattering realization of last Thursday, I've decided I should just do what I do best...ride it out and have some fun. Hehee. It might sound mean, but having my ego (and a bit of my heart) stepped on a bit made me realize I don't have to stand (and I can't stand) being second best in someone's heart. Cliche and melodramatic as it may seem, no, I am not a martyr, and yes, I am self-centered, selfish and demanding. I don't have excuses, and I am not sorry.
You see, after being his Salvation Army, I don't think I could stand to be his love-doctor as well...not while he yearns for another woman...I am not going to be a proxy girl. I am not going to be someone's 2nd best. I am not going to be the "almost, but not quite". I am not cut out for self-depreciating relationships.
He makes a play for my feelings, and I don't know how sincere he is...I've never associated sincerity with flirting anyhow, so there's no big question mark about it. Making up my mind to play it by ear, and to give as good as I get, an eye for an eye and his own words against his, I try to corner him into admitting what his intentions are. The results are the same everytime, and he implied that he does have feelings for me...What they are, heaven only knows.
I suspect, as always, and have made it known to him, that loneliness is a big factor in his "feelings" for me. I have accepted it, as well as I have accepted a lot of painful truths in my life, that love is not necessarily the feeling of wanting to cherish, but at times, it is the need to be cherished, taken care of. God must be laughing, because he gave me maternal instincts that predators can smell a mile away.
I still have to see where this farce will lead us, but I have yet again to remind myself that this is dangerous waters I am treading. I am taking a big gamble, playing with his feelings, when my own are also at stake. There are what ifs in my head.. WHAT IF his feelings are true and I hurt him and he decides it's not worth it? WHAT IF there's a chance for us and I blow it by being so demanding? WHAT IF he is my mirror, and he can see through my game and call my bluff...
But WHAT IF my suspicions are right?
About Me
- WINTERFIRE
- Notorious, unpredictable and slightly mental (mentally retarded). I like being busy, doing various things like dancing, singing, studying, baking and eating. I think i am manic-depressive, but my colleagues tell me I am constantly impatient, so I am perfectly normal. But then, they think I am obsessive-compulsive, and my room is a mess. I am a control freak, but very dependent on my mom. I am shy by nature, but give me a role, and you have to drag me off the stage! What can I say, a loose screw is jimmied up my noggin', and I am full of contradictions.
Jerard's Countdown to 1 YO
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