Playing Field

Lately, my thoughts have been broken, rambling and incomplete, and they mirror so much of the struggles inside me that I've yet to pay attention to. Life has been messy lately. I live day-by-day, without plans save for the coming comprehensive exams. I drift from one activity to another, hours eclipsing the previous.

So much has happened. The return of a long-lost friend that brought back a lot of baggages that I thought I've discarded. I've moved on, but for friendship's sake, I want to be there for her now that she's needing a friend the most.

A tempest has come. A man I can never, should never look at, yet drawn to like moth to a fire. Wait. I am fire. I burn brighter with a little gale of wind.

A date turned out the way I know it would, and the way I hoped it would not. A disaster of sorts. I've discovered that dating men is just crossing out names from a list. I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm definitely scratching out the last disaster from my list. I'm not holding my breath for this fool, if he's still so hung up on someone else.

I've told MFXD never to send me text messeges again. I won't answer them anymore. I have now joined a carpool in the morning, removing the possibility of chance encounters.

Faceparty account quiet again. I included a note in my profile for perverts to leave me alone. Hahahaha. Well, not really quiet. I get a handful of letters once in a while asking me to go to England, all expense paid, for a meet-up. In MySpace, a German widower asked me (twice) to marry him, in exchange for all his earthly goods and possessions, and yes, even a position in his IT firm. I replied with an itemized assets and liabilities. Shut him up quiet nicely.

Sigh. This playing field is not really my turf.

* can you blame me for being selfish
when i take my happiness wherever,
whenever i can get
stealing chances for all they are worth

is it such a sin to wish for something
more than justa passing fancy
when all you've had were toys easily broken

And frustrations pile up like forgotten letters
Torn pages of a diary yellowed with time and tears
Happiness is not an opportunity that knocks on your door
It doesn't come uninvited, bringing cheers and ally
ou've got to play the part of the gracious host
when all you have in your party is you and a mirror

A little nostalgia

I stopped at my tracks....Life has been going too fast for me to catch up. And I wonder, where did all my time go?

I'm too young for mid-life crisis and too old for teenage depression. So where am I exactly?

Haha. I'm not blue and suicidal, mind you. That is sooo highschool-ish. Speaking og high school, Theresians had a grand homecoming last night. Lanie, Jing, Abi and Ces opted to go, while Tina, Siena and I decided to hang out with each other instead. I had better things to do than look for old classmates that won't even recognize me...or if they did, won't talk to me at all. I enjoyed high school, honestly, but only because it was my time of blossoming. I cared nothing for other people save for my small circle of friends...

But now that it's been more than 1o years...the memories are lost with age. I've moved on, am not anymore the awkward poet with the curly hair.

I've had many realizations, and revelations:

1. Not all feelings are the same, they don't belong to categories, they vary in levels and strength.

2. Feeling for someone my own sex doesn't make me a lesbian.

3. We are all needy when we are young. Some of us grow to become mothers, some to become lovers. And some remain needy children.

4. We don't have any way of knowing how we'll turn out to be ten years from now. No matter what cards life deals us, it's still gut feel how we'll play it.

5. The best gift of school is not the education. You can seriously get by without learning at all. But the best gift is the gift of friends.

6. I still am a sentimental fool. =)

Crossroads

My nerves were a bit over-wrought yesterday. But I think, soon I'm gonna be fine.
Time has decided I hava moved on and now free of THAT emotional bondage. However, yesterday's jitters made me doubt if I really had put all the past behind.

There I was, composing odd lines on the ride home. I was humming melodies from old songs. And the odd, yet familiar stirrings of emotion were there. I had thought poetry, my poetry, had died the day we hang up the phone. From then on, the only thoughts on my paper were meaningless phrases of an emotinal blackout.

But the expected chimes did not ring. There was no more magic, no more fluttering in my heart. And for a while I had felt empty. It had filled me for so many years, and now, I suddenly discovered it was gone. The memories remain just images in my mind, sans the sounds and colors that had chained me for so long.

I am free.

My words ring true, to my ears this time...When Time has decided you have disposed of the burden of yesterday, Fate will allow you to cross paths once again.

Everything Moves in A Circle

everything moves in a circle in this life
who would have thought we'd find each other again after all those years
and now that we're both at the same space and time
nothing has changed
as if those seventeen years did not happen
in my mind's eyes i still see you
the way you were when we parted
we said goodbye but i knew then
everything moves in a circle in this life

look at us, how we've changed
the lives we live are different from our dreams of youth
if i'd known then how we'd turn out now
i would have frozen time and held it tightly in my grasp
i lived in fear of losing you
knowing how empty my cup of life would be
but then
everything moves in a circle in this life

i had dreamed of this
known of this in the subtle promise of yesterday
that one day all promises would be fulfilled
because
everything moves in a circle in this life

The cat and mouse

Am I the cat or the mouse? On one hand, I feel like I am the one in power, playing the game, hiding, dodging Fate's silly games.

But why do I get the feeling I'm being followed, preyed upon, my safety under threat? I want to leave the past behind, I have said all I have said, explained my decision for the nth time. I have made it final and known. I have forgiven, but does that mean I am willing to forget?

It is tiring, to have to watch my back for shadows. It is exhausting to have to resort to hide-and-seek.

I am only playing fair. I cannot give as much as he's willing to give to me, and though he hasn't asked for anything- nay, willing to not even receive any at all from me- I am not so selfish as to rub the insult in.

I'm giving him his freedom, why won't he take it and give me mine?